Here is a fun little tale from the pages of Heartless history. Perfect for theYOLD.
But first, I feel like it needs some music to keep you company.
So, the year was around 1988 I think. I had recently graduated from High School (barely) and was slumming it around L.A. and going to Junior College. I had been living in the valley with this kid I went to High School with. We had a two bedroom. He was Gay... but I was clueless. I didn't really look at people in those terms. Sure, I met him in my theatre class in High School. Sure, he was somewhat flamboyant (not overly mind you). Sure, he was very much into George Michael. Sure.... you get the point. I even remember my parents saying to me "You know he's Gay, right?" Since he wasn't open about it, it wasn't my place to judge or make assumptions. Well, maybe he was open about it... just not to me. I just thought he was a funny guy. Anyway, I digress. I'm just painting the picture of the time.
Eventually, we both moved out. I remember I came down with Mono and moved into my dad's place for the summer. I would eventually get my own studio apartment in Studio City. I was enjoying being on my own (although I was completely learning as I went). Paying bills, pushing my credit cards to the max, and spending my savings. I didn't have much "game" yet with the ladies, however, I was getting into DJing college parties and that actually helped in the "hook up" department. Everyone loves a DJ at a party ;) - even this runty kid.
So now comes the story. Mind you, I don't think there is a moral to this one, rather it's kind of entertaining. Perhaps karmic in nature. So, once upon a time, in the magical land of Westwood, CA there was a place called Fun Trax. Yes, with an "X" because it was hip. It was one of those places you went to record yourself singing some of your favorite hit songs. Not only that, they had a room where you and your friends could video yourselves busting out the jamz (with a "Z" because it's hip). I remember going in there and meeting the hot blonde behind the counter (I can't remember her name now). Her job was simply to help you pick a song, set you up, and send you on your way - cassette of the experience in hand.
Immediately, I was crushing on this girl... I mean she was fawking hawt! I can't remember if she had a boyfriend or had broken up with him.... whatever. It doesn't matter. All I know is I suddenly became the character Mark "Rat" Ratner in Fast Times. Damone's speech rings in my ear: "You bought $40 worth of fucking film and you didn't even talk to her. You don't even own a camera." OK, it wasn't that bad, but I went there a lot whether it was to make tapes or just say "hey". Like I said, I was crushing hard and at that point was actually living in Westwood, so it was oh so easy to stop in. Of course, she wasn't interested, but I think that's common kind of crush to have. And just to reiterate... the girl was hawt.... like I said - FAWKING HAWT.
I remember one time my step brother and I went in and cut a hilarious version of the Def Leppard jam "Pour Some Sugar On Me" -- yes it still exists somewhere.
So, how does this story end? Oh -- here it comes. So anyway. Some years pass. I went on to lose my virginity, go away to a real college, etc. Life was happening and I moved on from the Fun Trax (with an "X") girl. Years later my phone rings... it's her. She's sounds cool on the phone and we have a brief catch up. She suggests we get together. I'm down - Fun Trax was a hawty! I go out to wherever she lives (I remember it sure wasn't close to Westwood). I get there and ring the doorbell. Her mom answers and greets me with a pleasant smile - like she's heard good things about me. Like she's glad I'm there to hang with her daughter. Then Fun Trax comes out....and...well -- the girl was now the opposite of the hot, thin blonde I met years prior. The only thing that was the same was the color of her hair. She had packed on some pounds - she was no longer Fun Trax, she was Fat Trax. I have a recollection that she may have said on the phone she had gained a little weight - I can't exactly recall. But, this wasn't a little weight. Fuck "Pour Some Sugar on Me"... this girl must have been pouring sugar all over everything!
The date itself is a little hazy - but I do remember sitting in her room watching a movie at the end of the night. I think she wanted to make-out, but I wasn't interested. I didn't fool around with her or anything. Suddenly she was interested and I wasn't. Now, don't take this as me being mean, but come on - the girl only took a liking to me AFTER she was no longer desirable to the men she was fond of. Come on... that's messed up, right?
Anyway the movie ended, I headed for the door, said goodnight, and never saw her again. I hope she ended up meeting someone and getting everything she wanted.
I hope that wasn't anti climatic. It's just a funny memory I have. One of many. I like that I can recall these things. They're fun to think about sometimes.
Anyway, thanks for listening... as always.
Sleepy Sleep
The Year Of Loving Dangerously
3/29/11
You see? Even the mighty can fall.
As great as it all was, I knew this day would come. The good news is when you're aware that a day like this is possible you are at least somewhat ready when the emotion hits you. I think it's how one gets through these tough times. A part of you inside knows that these moments come and go and so having faith in ones self helps power through.
Here is what I know about myself. I crave attention. I don't necessarily think it's in an unhealthy way. But I do love the interaction with another person be it physical or simply intellectual. I like interaction, it's why I'm good at my job.
Now I'm the first to say that life needs to be a balance so too much of anything isn't a good thing. This is a moment I need to get through... and get through it I will (in my worst Yoda voice).
I'm not going to write on and on about this because I don't think it'll make me feel better. I just need to deal with it. I am sure there are a lot of you out there who wrestle with it. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with being alone... I don't think I'm built that way. I can tolerate it, which is important... but I don't have to like it.
Time to shut my eyes and get a sensible night's sleep.
Goodnight you lovely people.
H
As great as it all was, I knew this day would come. The good news is when you're aware that a day like this is possible you are at least somewhat ready when the emotion hits you. I think it's how one gets through these tough times. A part of you inside knows that these moments come and go and so having faith in ones self helps power through.
Here is what I know about myself. I crave attention. I don't necessarily think it's in an unhealthy way. But I do love the interaction with another person be it physical or simply intellectual. I like interaction, it's why I'm good at my job.
Now I'm the first to say that life needs to be a balance so too much of anything isn't a good thing. This is a moment I need to get through... and get through it I will (in my worst Yoda voice).
I'm not going to write on and on about this because I don't think it'll make me feel better. I just need to deal with it. I am sure there are a lot of you out there who wrestle with it. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with being alone... I don't think I'm built that way. I can tolerate it, which is important... but I don't have to like it.
Time to shut my eyes and get a sensible night's sleep.
Goodnight you lovely people.
H
3/27/11
Let me start by saying that if you are in any way related to me... STOP READING. I am going to write about some steamy stuff (I think) and I really don't need parents or siblings involved. Or, if you are going to read this... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!
So, let's get into it shall we? Let me start by saying how much I love the opposite sex. Women are so freaking sexy it ridiculous. The female body is fawking hawt! I don't care if you're some blonde bombshell from the pages of Playboy, a librarian type, or even a punky hipster chick, you all RAWK! Serious, nothing turns me on more than a woman who is confident in who she is and what she wants.
More importantly, how she wants it. See? Steamy. I'm surious. There is nothing finer than a woman how knows what she needs and isn't afraid to tell you. In fact, I always welcome it. Seriously, YOLD readers, whether you're a guy or a girl, you know what you like best. There is nothing worse than when a woman decides to perform some BJ or HJ business, but then grabs hold like she's shifting gears in the classic arcade game Pole Position or latches on like a cheese grater. When that happens, guys, you gotta chime in and help out. Show or tell the lady what you need. And ladies don't be offended if you do need said help.
Same goes for the guys. Don't be afraid to ask or just encourage a woman to show what she likes. I don't know how it is for most guys, but for me, I'm not happy unless she's happy. I'm a selfless lover in that way. Of course, I like to be taken care of, but part of that comes from watching her get taken care of... I feel so groovy talking about this (like touchy/feely therapist from 1976 who smokes grass).
I don't like to stop until she gets enough. But the clock is always ticking for us guys because once we blow, we're done... the wind is let out of the sails. This is why I am a big proponent of the make-out session which then leads to other things, and other things, and finally... THAT thing. I feel my needs as a man can come last on the priority list (although simultaneously is also pretty amazing). Women can go and go and go, so you gotta make sure she's getting something out of the experience before you poop out.
I think I've gotten good at being able to tell the legit pleasure from the phoning it in kind. There is a moment I've seen a few times while in the heat of passion... a moment where I feel both myself and the woman I'm with are suddenly just dialed into what's happening. Up until then there is a lot of lip smashing, touching, exploring, etc.... but there is that ultimate sense of fumbling around and trying to determine how far we're going to take it. Then, the moment happens. When we both have given ourselves over to the sex that's occurring. There is a facial expression I've seen on a couple women... to me, that must be the face of real pleasure. It's this sort of hazed, glazed eye, focused demeanor that just says "let's do this!" And men can make the same face to. It's the face of "I'm no longer thinking about what I'm doing and I am now just doing it".
That's the moment you want. There is a rhythm that's happening and you are just fawking in it! It's awesome.
And just to put more icing on the sex cake. Ladies, if you are going to attempt the hawt sexy talk (a la porn star dialogue) you best be confident with what you're saying to us. I've heard dirty talk from girls who are just seeing if they can do it, but it's not very believable, because the girl herself doesn't even believe it... she's just trying to give you what she thinks you want. I've heard women who dirty talk and know who to sell it... and I am here to say - BRAVO!!!
So, my dear YOLD readers - go forth and bone like you mean it. I mean REALLY mean it!
Time for bed!
Hless
So, let's get into it shall we? Let me start by saying how much I love the opposite sex. Women are so freaking sexy it ridiculous. The female body is fawking hawt! I don't care if you're some blonde bombshell from the pages of Playboy, a librarian type, or even a punky hipster chick, you all RAWK! Serious, nothing turns me on more than a woman who is confident in who she is and what she wants.
More importantly, how she wants it. See? Steamy. I'm surious. There is nothing finer than a woman how knows what she needs and isn't afraid to tell you. In fact, I always welcome it. Seriously, YOLD readers, whether you're a guy or a girl, you know what you like best. There is nothing worse than when a woman decides to perform some BJ or HJ business, but then grabs hold like she's shifting gears in the classic arcade game Pole Position or latches on like a cheese grater. When that happens, guys, you gotta chime in and help out. Show or tell the lady what you need. And ladies don't be offended if you do need said help.
Same goes for the guys. Don't be afraid to ask or just encourage a woman to show what she likes. I don't know how it is for most guys, but for me, I'm not happy unless she's happy. I'm a selfless lover in that way. Of course, I like to be taken care of, but part of that comes from watching her get taken care of... I feel so groovy talking about this (like touchy/feely therapist from 1976 who smokes grass).
I don't like to stop until she gets enough. But the clock is always ticking for us guys because once we blow, we're done... the wind is let out of the sails. This is why I am a big proponent of the make-out session which then leads to other things, and other things, and finally... THAT thing. I feel my needs as a man can come last on the priority list (although simultaneously is also pretty amazing). Women can go and go and go, so you gotta make sure she's getting something out of the experience before you poop out.
I think I've gotten good at being able to tell the legit pleasure from the phoning it in kind. There is a moment I've seen a few times while in the heat of passion... a moment where I feel both myself and the woman I'm with are suddenly just dialed into what's happening. Up until then there is a lot of lip smashing, touching, exploring, etc.... but there is that ultimate sense of fumbling around and trying to determine how far we're going to take it. Then, the moment happens. When we both have given ourselves over to the sex that's occurring. There is a facial expression I've seen on a couple women... to me, that must be the face of real pleasure. It's this sort of hazed, glazed eye, focused demeanor that just says "let's do this!" And men can make the same face to. It's the face of "I'm no longer thinking about what I'm doing and I am now just doing it".
That's the moment you want. There is a rhythm that's happening and you are just fawking in it! It's awesome.
And just to put more icing on the sex cake. Ladies, if you are going to attempt the hawt sexy talk (a la porn star dialogue) you best be confident with what you're saying to us. I've heard dirty talk from girls who are just seeing if they can do it, but it's not very believable, because the girl herself doesn't even believe it... she's just trying to give you what she thinks you want. I've heard women who dirty talk and know who to sell it... and I am here to say - BRAVO!!!
So, my dear YOLD readers - go forth and bone like you mean it. I mean REALLY mean it!
Time for bed!
Hless
3/23/11-3/26/11
Yup! Another lapse.... what do you want from me? It's not like the world has come to an end just because I haven't posted an entry in a few days. As I always say... shit's busy.
I am writing to from the city where the neon lights will inspire you.... NYC. Another one of my weekend trips for work. I'm currently sitting in my room at the London Hotel listening to some local radio (side note: something about an NYC hip hop station... they know how to tear it up). I'm convinced that someone in L.A. should broadcast an NYC radio show on the weekends. There is an energy and vibe to it that just makes you want to stay up late.
So what's tonight? It's a night for deep thought and taking stock. Thinking about the last few weeks. The amount of work I'm dealing with and the amount of romance I'm undertaking. I am a man transformed by his experiences. Looking inward at what it is I'm putting out into the world.
I do that a lot with my writing - I'll try some play on words and think I'm witty.
I almost don't know what to write anymore.
I think I should just get a good night's sleep for once. Tomorrow night will be a late one, so I need to sleep in and then get caught up on work.
God damn, women can be so damn sexy.... nuff said.
Goodnight, sleeping beauties!
I am writing to from the city where the neon lights will inspire you.... NYC. Another one of my weekend trips for work. I'm currently sitting in my room at the London Hotel listening to some local radio (side note: something about an NYC hip hop station... they know how to tear it up). I'm convinced that someone in L.A. should broadcast an NYC radio show on the weekends. There is an energy and vibe to it that just makes you want to stay up late.
So what's tonight? It's a night for deep thought and taking stock. Thinking about the last few weeks. The amount of work I'm dealing with and the amount of romance I'm undertaking. I am a man transformed by his experiences. Looking inward at what it is I'm putting out into the world.
I do that a lot with my writing - I'll try some play on words and think I'm witty.
I almost don't know what to write anymore.
I think I should just get a good night's sleep for once. Tomorrow night will be a late one, so I need to sleep in and then get caught up on work.
God damn, women can be so damn sexy.... nuff said.
Goodnight, sleeping beauties!
3/22/11
YOLD readers beware.... I've got a fever... and it ain't more cowbell.
Alls I'm saying is right now my theme song is this:
I don't know what it is right now, but I hope this feeling stays with me. It's gotta be too good to last right?
I think life should be a Loverboy song... there is a sense of wonderment, that anything is possible - like this may be our last night on earth, so let's make the most of it dollface... yes, it's very 80s - but like everything else in the 80s... its oh so grand.
Be the music or even the films of the time, there was a sense of cinematic grandeur (is that an expression?)... especially when it came to love. I know I was very idealistic. I believed as a teenager that my life could unfold like a movie and at the end of it all I would be the one who ended up with Amanda Peterson in Can't Buy Love.
I miss that innocence, but I don't miss the anxiety. The fear of acting on what I felt. As Big Pun said "I'm not a playa I just crush a lot". Of course, he was referring to sex when he said "crush" and lest we forget he was the one whose dick could not be measured with six rulers (or so he claimed). I am a notorious crusher (in the crush sense of the word - like schoolyard crush). I think women are great - especially ones whose personality have something to offer... and so the crush begins.
I love the opposite sex - they're awesome while at the same time impossible to decode. I'm enamored and perplexed -- they are an enigma wrapped in an anomaly inside a conundrum.
I'm rambling on... I'm tired - long night (long fun night)
xoxo
Yours truly!
Alls I'm saying is right now my theme song is this:
I don't know what it is right now, but I hope this feeling stays with me. It's gotta be too good to last right?
I think life should be a Loverboy song... there is a sense of wonderment, that anything is possible - like this may be our last night on earth, so let's make the most of it dollface... yes, it's very 80s - but like everything else in the 80s... its oh so grand.
Be the music or even the films of the time, there was a sense of cinematic grandeur (is that an expression?)... especially when it came to love. I know I was very idealistic. I believed as a teenager that my life could unfold like a movie and at the end of it all I would be the one who ended up with Amanda Peterson in Can't Buy Love.
I miss that innocence, but I don't miss the anxiety. The fear of acting on what I felt. As Big Pun said "I'm not a playa I just crush a lot". Of course, he was referring to sex when he said "crush" and lest we forget he was the one whose dick could not be measured with six rulers (or so he claimed). I am a notorious crusher (in the crush sense of the word - like schoolyard crush). I think women are great - especially ones whose personality have something to offer... and so the crush begins.
I love the opposite sex - they're awesome while at the same time impossible to decode. I'm enamored and perplexed -- they are an enigma wrapped in an anomaly inside a conundrum.
I'm rambling on... I'm tired - long night (long fun night)
xoxo
Yours truly!
3/20/11
How do you solve a problem like me?
You don't.... you embrace it and fucking run with it.
Why is it I feel like my posts have suddenly taken on a Sheen like quality? By the way, is that guy still going strong? I seem to have lost track. Last I heard he was taking the crazy on the road. Why not? It'll been pretty remarkable to see how far he can take the crazy. He's almost becoming and evangelical zealot of crazy.
Off topic, I know - sorry about that.
Sunday night and the rain is pouring down -- "a baptism" as Lloyd Dobler would say - however you won't find me at the Gas n Sip exclaiming "bitches, man!"
What is with people and 100% -- people in life for some reason think they need a guarantee (or are deserving of one). There is no guarantee. Period - exclamation point. When you by a TV you usually get some sort of a guarantee... and the guarantee is if it breaks within a certain amount of time you can get it fixed or replaced. It doesn't guarantee it won't break.
Marriage, relationships, jobs, etc. are the same thing. There is never a guarantee that they will last forever, so deal with it, do it, and know that things break... sometimes they can be fixed and sometimes they can't... and when they can't you have the option of getting a new one.
I relate this most to marriage. Today's marriage isn't your parents or grandparents marriage - today's marriages come with a lot less pressure. If you're sitting around and waiting for some guarantee it will last forever then you're going to be waiting a long time and you may just ruin the best thing you've got going. And guess what, if it turns out your marriage is not meant to last forever you get to pull the plug and try again if you so choose.
Don't get caught up --- get going --- give it a try because it's fun, especially the first go round. I can't comment on what the second one will be like because I haven't been through it yet.
Wow, what a topic to get on... this just sort of free flowed out of me. But I look at my thoughts on marriage and they're pretty in line with my thoughts on everything. At the end of the day you have to do your best and that's all you can do. Fear is the great paralyzer and if you're fearful of taking the leap because you're concerned it's not going to work out then you may never get the nerve to do it.
I'll say it again - FEAR IS THE GREAT PARALYZER - it will keep you from reaching your goals.
You should be fearful of things that are detrimental to your health and well being... otherwise what's stopping you from going for it? Having been through divorce and fearful of what it was going to be like, I am here to tell you you'll survive if it doesn't work out. I'm not saying just throw it away at the first sign of trouble. I believe strongly that both parties, if committed, need to do their best to keep it together. Just know that if it's THAT bad you can end it.
I have said it before and I will say it again. I loved being married and I would do it again. If you're the marrying kind then give it a shot if you're in the position to do so.
Alright, I'm done. I think you catch my drift. I'm going to go and daydream about women.
Beeeeef Jelly!
H-less
BONUS:
You don't.... you embrace it and fucking run with it.
Why is it I feel like my posts have suddenly taken on a Sheen like quality? By the way, is that guy still going strong? I seem to have lost track. Last I heard he was taking the crazy on the road. Why not? It'll been pretty remarkable to see how far he can take the crazy. He's almost becoming and evangelical zealot of crazy.
Off topic, I know - sorry about that.
Sunday night and the rain is pouring down -- "a baptism" as Lloyd Dobler would say - however you won't find me at the Gas n Sip exclaiming "bitches, man!"
What is with people and 100% -- people in life for some reason think they need a guarantee (or are deserving of one). There is no guarantee. Period - exclamation point. When you by a TV you usually get some sort of a guarantee... and the guarantee is if it breaks within a certain amount of time you can get it fixed or replaced. It doesn't guarantee it won't break.
Marriage, relationships, jobs, etc. are the same thing. There is never a guarantee that they will last forever, so deal with it, do it, and know that things break... sometimes they can be fixed and sometimes they can't... and when they can't you have the option of getting a new one.
I relate this most to marriage. Today's marriage isn't your parents or grandparents marriage - today's marriages come with a lot less pressure. If you're sitting around and waiting for some guarantee it will last forever then you're going to be waiting a long time and you may just ruin the best thing you've got going. And guess what, if it turns out your marriage is not meant to last forever you get to pull the plug and try again if you so choose.
Don't get caught up --- get going --- give it a try because it's fun, especially the first go round. I can't comment on what the second one will be like because I haven't been through it yet.
Wow, what a topic to get on... this just sort of free flowed out of me. But I look at my thoughts on marriage and they're pretty in line with my thoughts on everything. At the end of the day you have to do your best and that's all you can do. Fear is the great paralyzer and if you're fearful of taking the leap because you're concerned it's not going to work out then you may never get the nerve to do it.
I'll say it again - FEAR IS THE GREAT PARALYZER - it will keep you from reaching your goals.
You should be fearful of things that are detrimental to your health and well being... otherwise what's stopping you from going for it? Having been through divorce and fearful of what it was going to be like, I am here to tell you you'll survive if it doesn't work out. I'm not saying just throw it away at the first sign of trouble. I believe strongly that both parties, if committed, need to do their best to keep it together. Just know that if it's THAT bad you can end it.
I have said it before and I will say it again. I loved being married and I would do it again. If you're the marrying kind then give it a shot if you're in the position to do so.
Alright, I'm done. I think you catch my drift. I'm going to go and daydream about women.
Beeeeef Jelly!
H-less
BONUS:
3/19/11
A shift has occurred... I can't explain it.
Or maybe I can...
Something is different. Something is different in me...
I think I finally "feel" like I'm in control of my life. Where once I felt relegated to some predetermined outcome, I now feel that there are multiple outcomes depending on what I choose to do with my life.
And while every day may not be perfect - I do have a the strongest sense of self I've ever felt. In essence, I think I know what I'm doing.
Could I stand to make more money? Of course! Have I reached my goals? Not yet... but on my way. Have I found love? Nope.... but I know it's possible.
Confidence is up - self doubting is down.
I knock on wood because I know and accept there will be moments in the future that rattle the foundation... but the foundation feels stronger than it's ever been and without question I can weather any approaching storm.
What's it all mean as far as relationships and love? God if I know... but bring it. I can handle it.
I am about a month out from the 2 year anniversary of the beginning of the end of my marriage. And I finally feel like the final strings have been cut and my life is my own. Yes, I have two kids with my ex and we remain on friendly terms -- as I've said before, we are devoted parents and will always do what we feel is best for them. We respect one another. I respect her new relationship and the goals she's accomplished in the last few years. I know she would say the same about me. I'm not sure either of us could have reached these achievements in the relationship we were in. Not that it was a nightmare, but the dynamic didn't lend itself to what we both needed to be fulfilled. Of course, nothing in life is perfect, but we've accomplished something in divorce that few have.
I want to take this moment to thank all the women I've met over the last 1.5 years -
To the first girl I made out with post marriage - that was a strange experience.
To the first one I slept with. That was a lot of frickin' baggage coming at you.
To the first girl I really had feelings for (also the first girl I slept with) ... timing is a bitch (and she would attest to that) - but it let me know I could have feelings for another woman. I will always feel something special for her and I wish her all the happiness she deserves (I hope she finds it).
To the countless girls I drunkenly made out with in the clubs - sooo much fun. To the first (and last) dates - either it wasn't right for you or it wasn't right for me... regardless, it just wasn't right.
To the Blondentourage who took me out into the night and let a 40 year old know he could still have fun. You girls really took care of me during a major transition in my life. And even though I always felt too old for the group - you made it seem like not such a big deal. I look forward to the next time we can get together and toast skinny bitches!
To Toronto! And the shovel man who always awaits my arrival there. Poppin' bottles and lighting it up like it's dynamite! I can't wait to come dance with your city again.
To OKstoopid (aka OKcupid) - talk about a learning experience.... but it led me to meet my IM friend (who I have yet to actually meet)... but it's fun to think I made a friend on a dating website... even if it's only in cyberspace.
And to having my world ROCKED.... Now, I can honestly say I feel I've lived.... I don't say that as a swipe at the 18 years of being in a committed realtionship which included pretty much all of my 20s, but I think the experiences I've had in the last few years were crucial to my emotional growth.
I don't know what the future ultimately holds, but I know it's going to be something.
Have a great night everybody.
I love you.
Heartless
Or maybe I can...
Something is different. Something is different in me...
I think I finally "feel" like I'm in control of my life. Where once I felt relegated to some predetermined outcome, I now feel that there are multiple outcomes depending on what I choose to do with my life.
And while every day may not be perfect - I do have a the strongest sense of self I've ever felt. In essence, I think I know what I'm doing.
Could I stand to make more money? Of course! Have I reached my goals? Not yet... but on my way. Have I found love? Nope.... but I know it's possible.
Confidence is up - self doubting is down.
I knock on wood because I know and accept there will be moments in the future that rattle the foundation... but the foundation feels stronger than it's ever been and without question I can weather any approaching storm.
What's it all mean as far as relationships and love? God if I know... but bring it. I can handle it.
I am about a month out from the 2 year anniversary of the beginning of the end of my marriage. And I finally feel like the final strings have been cut and my life is my own. Yes, I have two kids with my ex and we remain on friendly terms -- as I've said before, we are devoted parents and will always do what we feel is best for them. We respect one another. I respect her new relationship and the goals she's accomplished in the last few years. I know she would say the same about me. I'm not sure either of us could have reached these achievements in the relationship we were in. Not that it was a nightmare, but the dynamic didn't lend itself to what we both needed to be fulfilled. Of course, nothing in life is perfect, but we've accomplished something in divorce that few have.
I want to take this moment to thank all the women I've met over the last 1.5 years -
To the first girl I made out with post marriage - that was a strange experience.
To the first one I slept with. That was a lot of frickin' baggage coming at you.
To the first girl I really had feelings for (also the first girl I slept with) ... timing is a bitch (and she would attest to that) - but it let me know I could have feelings for another woman. I will always feel something special for her and I wish her all the happiness she deserves (I hope she finds it).
To the countless girls I drunkenly made out with in the clubs - sooo much fun. To the first (and last) dates - either it wasn't right for you or it wasn't right for me... regardless, it just wasn't right.
To the Blondentourage who took me out into the night and let a 40 year old know he could still have fun. You girls really took care of me during a major transition in my life. And even though I always felt too old for the group - you made it seem like not such a big deal. I look forward to the next time we can get together and toast skinny bitches!
To Toronto! And the shovel man who always awaits my arrival there. Poppin' bottles and lighting it up like it's dynamite! I can't wait to come dance with your city again.
To OKstoopid (aka OKcupid) - talk about a learning experience.... but it led me to meet my IM friend (who I have yet to actually meet)... but it's fun to think I made a friend on a dating website... even if it's only in cyberspace.
And to having my world ROCKED.... Now, I can honestly say I feel I've lived.... I don't say that as a swipe at the 18 years of being in a committed realtionship which included pretty much all of my 20s, but I think the experiences I've had in the last few years were crucial to my emotional growth.
I don't know what the future ultimately holds, but I know it's going to be something.
Have a great night everybody.
I love you.
Heart
3/18/11
"Let's get lost tonight/you can be my Black Kate Moss tonight...."
I love that song...
Hellooooo YOLD.... It's friday and I'm home all weekend on kid duty, which is fine by me. Time to shut down the engines, recharge, give kimosabe some flavor, and prepare for more living.
I can't tell you what it is, but life is good... even when it's bad... it's still good. Not sure how to explain it.
Granted, I know it can't last forever and I'll have another moment at some point. But right now is all that matters. I am tired though. What an insane few weeks. In fact, I'm not even sure what I want to write anymore.
I love that song...
Hellooooo YOLD.... It's friday and I'm home all weekend on kid duty, which is fine by me. Time to shut down the engines, recharge, give kimosabe some flavor, and prepare for more living.
I can't tell you what it is, but life is good... even when it's bad... it's still good. Not sure how to explain it.
Granted, I know it can't last forever and I'll have another moment at some point. But right now is all that matters. I am tired though. What an insane few weeks. In fact, I'm not even sure what I want to write anymore.
3/17/11
Fire in the hole! Wait, that didn't sound right... sounds like an STD.
I've got a fire burning in me.... all at once and all of sudden I'm shot out of a canon - at least for the time being.
It continues to prove one thing. Life is a series of good days and bad... I think it's easy to lose sight of it. It's also easy to succumb to the bad and feel like things aren't going to get better. And you know what I think breeds this sort of "life isn't getting better" mentality? Routine. Living your days the same way - Be it for work or pleasure. Do the same shit all the time and life will soon seem dull and bum you out.
I'm fortunate in that my job is ever changing and it allows me to travel and have experiences. Sure, there are clients I enjoy more than others, but overall there is a "you never know what's going to happen next" guarantee. And the travel? Nothing breeds opportunity like traveling. There is something sexy about meeting someone while visiting a city. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe there is a mystery attached to it. Like who is this person I'm suddenly meeting and how do we make the most of this moment before I have to blow town the next day.
I realize my life had been a series of self imposed routines before and now, post marriage I am open to just about everything. When it comes to food, I used to eat the same crap. Now, I enjoy trying new things as much as eating the stuff I already love.
Break the routine. Do something different. Challenge yourself to go out and be somewhere you've never been. Go to your favorite restaurant and order something other than the dish you already love.
Kiss lots of women, guys. Kiss lots of men, girls... and women if you're so inclined. Just get the fuck out there because there is so much waiting for you. And it's so great. I can't tell you how much better people feel when they get out after a bad break-up. I know it's hard and it feels like things won't get better. But I've seen people change when they finally push themselves to go out after having wallowed in their sadness post break-up. It may partly be escape and not wanting to be alone, but it also stimulates the senses to go out... even if you're standing at a bar and just watching people while you return emails or text with a friend.
Yes my YOLD friends, I am happy to say there is a great big world outside your door that's breathing with life and waiting to wrap it's big juicy arms around and lay a big fat juicy on the mouth kiss on you.
Now quit fucking around and go get her.*
*Damone from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High"
I've got a fire burning in me.... all at once and all of sudden I'm shot out of a canon - at least for the time being.
It continues to prove one thing. Life is a series of good days and bad... I think it's easy to lose sight of it. It's also easy to succumb to the bad and feel like things aren't going to get better. And you know what I think breeds this sort of "life isn't getting better" mentality? Routine. Living your days the same way - Be it for work or pleasure. Do the same shit all the time and life will soon seem dull and bum you out.
I'm fortunate in that my job is ever changing and it allows me to travel and have experiences. Sure, there are clients I enjoy more than others, but overall there is a "you never know what's going to happen next" guarantee. And the travel? Nothing breeds opportunity like traveling. There is something sexy about meeting someone while visiting a city. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe there is a mystery attached to it. Like who is this person I'm suddenly meeting and how do we make the most of this moment before I have to blow town the next day.
I realize my life had been a series of self imposed routines before and now, post marriage I am open to just about everything. When it comes to food, I used to eat the same crap. Now, I enjoy trying new things as much as eating the stuff I already love.
Break the routine. Do something different. Challenge yourself to go out and be somewhere you've never been. Go to your favorite restaurant and order something other than the dish you already love.
Kiss lots of women, guys. Kiss lots of men, girls... and women if you're so inclined. Just get the fuck out there because there is so much waiting for you. And it's so great. I can't tell you how much better people feel when they get out after a bad break-up. I know it's hard and it feels like things won't get better. But I've seen people change when they finally push themselves to go out after having wallowed in their sadness post break-up. It may partly be escape and not wanting to be alone, but it also stimulates the senses to go out... even if you're standing at a bar and just watching people while you return emails or text with a friend.
Yes my YOLD friends, I am happy to say there is a great big world outside your door that's breathing with life and waiting to wrap it's big juicy arms around and lay a big fat juicy on the mouth kiss on you.
Now quit fucking around and go get her.*
*Damone from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High"
3/16/11
Well Well Well.....here I sit in my darkened office tapping away for your displeasure. It's interesting. I ran into someone the other night who said they had read my blog but had to stop because it was bumming them out. I felt bad because I don't want to bum people out. Granted, not every posting is a barrel of laughs, but I'd like to think that even in my most darkest hours there is some level of entertainment happening.
So please, if you read this and you find it depressing try looking at it through a different set of eyes perhaps. I try to always be somewhat optimistic about what the future holds even when I'm down on myself.
Take tonight for instance. I have a night off from the kids but no plans. I can A) go home, fix myself some dinner, and go to bed or B) go out to a bar by myself to have a drink and see if something interesting happens... I tend to lean towards the latter although I don't usually like to go by myself. But still there is no shame in sitting a the bar for a bite of dinner and a pint and just seeing what transpires.
Who knows who may walk into that bar... if I go home I know exactly what will happen - I go out, I could end up like Jeff Goldblum in "Into The Night" and have a whole adventure unfold before me. So you tell me what I should do... I think it's painfully obvious. Worst case I have a meal and then go home and go to bed. Best case...?????
I'm out the door kids... talk to you later, gator!
So please, if you read this and you find it depressing try looking at it through a different set of eyes perhaps. I try to always be somewhat optimistic about what the future holds even when I'm down on myself.
Take tonight for instance. I have a night off from the kids but no plans. I can A) go home, fix myself some dinner, and go to bed or B) go out to a bar by myself to have a drink and see if something interesting happens... I tend to lean towards the latter although I don't usually like to go by myself. But still there is no shame in sitting a the bar for a bite of dinner and a pint and just seeing what transpires.
Who knows who may walk into that bar... if I go home I know exactly what will happen - I go out, I could end up like Jeff Goldblum in "Into The Night" and have a whole adventure unfold before me. So you tell me what I should do... I think it's painfully obvious. Worst case I have a meal and then go home and go to bed. Best case...?????
I'm out the door kids... talk to you later, gator!
3/9/11 - 3/15/11
Well, blogworld... you win -- I missed some days. Work just got too heavy and I was going into SXSW with some massive responsibilities... something had to give.
So, I apologize to you dear reader for letting you down. Sure, it would have been easy enough to write a sentence or two each day... but I was in the zone. Too much responsibility and too much at stake professionally. And whether it's my job, parenting, or sex -- I try to give my all... and giving your all is not a hard thing to do when you give a shit.
The last 10 days were incredibly challenging, but I always manage to have some fun... and fun was had. With that said, it's great to be home and with the two love of my lives... my kids. I missed them and couldn't wait to see them. It so easy to love them and they're so deserving of it. Sure, there are moments and issues that come up, but without a doubt I love those kids.
So what does this lead me to talk about? What wisdom do I have to impart that relates to theYOLD? Well, here is something that may seem obvious, but I want to talk about it anyway... nothing beats a woman who knows how to sell it in bed. Now, I'm not just talking about sell it when it comes to sex. I'm just talking about selling it no matter what stage of fooling around you're at. Women, let me tell you something. It's one thing to try and be sexy and it's another to actually be it. And I do think it's something that can be learned. Granted, I'm sure every man has their version of what they think is sexy (I know I do)... and boy, I know when I encounter it... and I can say I've encounter it. The true art of the sell is to convey your passion for whatever it is you're selling. Be it insurance, a screenplay, a house... you better make that buyer think you give a shit or else they won't either (and they'll go elsewhere right quick!)... Same goes sex.
There are some inherent truths however - If you're not into it or don't necessarily like the guy, then it's hard to get behind the art of the sell. Maybe you're just desperate and need some attention and then just get it over with. I know it's happened with me. But ladies, if you're into a guy (and the same goes for the guys, of course, being into a lady) you need to know how to close the deal ... and how do you close a deal? By selling the shit out of it.
I can honestly say that I have been sold a time or two and it makes all the difference in the world. The difference between a generous lover and a selfish one are easily detectable once you've experienced both... and I promise it's easy to figure out which is the best.
Nothing... I mean nothing beats having a woman rock your world. I know for me... I'm not having fun unless she's having fun... that's art of being selfless, which to me is a crucial ingredient in this artform. There is time enough for everyone to get what they want a long as you're willing to allow it and you want to allow it.
Seriously... make it happen!
Heartless
So, I apologize to you dear reader for letting you down. Sure, it would have been easy enough to write a sentence or two each day... but I was in the zone. Too much responsibility and too much at stake professionally. And whether it's my job, parenting, or sex -- I try to give my all... and giving your all is not a hard thing to do when you give a shit.
The last 10 days were incredibly challenging, but I always manage to have some fun... and fun was had. With that said, it's great to be home and with the two love of my lives... my kids. I missed them and couldn't wait to see them. It so easy to love them and they're so deserving of it. Sure, there are moments and issues that come up, but without a doubt I love those kids.
So what does this lead me to talk about? What wisdom do I have to impart that relates to theYOLD? Well, here is something that may seem obvious, but I want to talk about it anyway... nothing beats a woman who knows how to sell it in bed. Now, I'm not just talking about sell it when it comes to sex. I'm just talking about selling it no matter what stage of fooling around you're at. Women, let me tell you something. It's one thing to try and be sexy and it's another to actually be it. And I do think it's something that can be learned. Granted, I'm sure every man has their version of what they think is sexy (I know I do)... and boy, I know when I encounter it... and I can say I've encounter it. The true art of the sell is to convey your passion for whatever it is you're selling. Be it insurance, a screenplay, a house... you better make that buyer think you give a shit or else they won't either (and they'll go elsewhere right quick!)... Same goes sex.
There are some inherent truths however - If you're not into it or don't necessarily like the guy, then it's hard to get behind the art of the sell. Maybe you're just desperate and need some attention and then just get it over with. I know it's happened with me. But ladies, if you're into a guy (and the same goes for the guys, of course, being into a lady) you need to know how to close the deal ... and how do you close a deal? By selling the shit out of it.
I can honestly say that I have been sold a time or two and it makes all the difference in the world. The difference between a generous lover and a selfish one are easily detectable once you've experienced both... and I promise it's easy to figure out which is the best.
Nothing... I mean nothing beats having a woman rock your world. I know for me... I'm not having fun unless she's having fun... that's art of being selfless, which to me is a crucial ingredient in this artform. There is time enough for everyone to get what they want a long as you're willing to allow it and you want to allow it.
Seriously... make it happen!
Heartless
3/8/11
Thank you for your patience... it's hard to come up with stuff while traveling.
Actually, that's not entirely correct. There is a lot I can say, but it's hard to focus while traveling. My mind is everywhere else but here at the moment.
I'm feeling good ... it doesn't hurt that I have a fair amount of scotch and whiskey in me and an amazing steak dinner digesting. Vegas is a great town...
Not much fun can be had on this trip but I'm heading into a "perfect storm" of a weekend so it might be right to hit the town tomorrow night and let loose before the pain comes.
Time to sleep -- Holy Shit the beds at the Mandarin Oriental are comfortable.
Love to you all.
G
Actually, that's not entirely correct. There is a lot I can say, but it's hard to focus while traveling. My mind is everywhere else but here at the moment.
I'm feeling good ... it doesn't hurt that I have a fair amount of scotch and whiskey in me and an amazing steak dinner digesting. Vegas is a great town...
Not much fun can be had on this trip but I'm heading into a "perfect storm" of a weekend so it might be right to hit the town tomorrow night and let loose before the pain comes.
Time to sleep -- Holy Shit the beds at the Mandarin Oriental are comfortable.
Love to you all.
G
3/7/11
The Blackberry Chronicles - Part III
Back again in The Four Seasons bar...
Lots of people this evening. Me? Sitting in a booth and nursing my Jameson... Definitely one of those days.
I like this city, but it's worn thin this time out -- too much to do and don't have time to drink it in (like said Jameson).
Tomorrow, I get to board a plane to Vegas where a steak dinner awaits -- more work ... No love.
I'm tired -- I know I'm a broken record with that one. This Four Seasons crowd is not my scene.
Older business men and women... UGH!
I'm rambling -
Nothing interesting ever happens to me.
Goodnight CC
Back again in The Four Seasons bar...
Lots of people this evening. Me? Sitting in a booth and nursing my Jameson... Definitely one of those days.
I like this city, but it's worn thin this time out -- too much to do and don't have time to drink it in (like said Jameson).
Tomorrow, I get to board a plane to Vegas where a steak dinner awaits -- more work ... No love.
I'm tired -- I know I'm a broken record with that one. This Four Seasons crowd is not my scene.
Older business men and women... UGH!
I'm rambling -
Nothing interesting ever happens to me.
Goodnight CC
3/6/11
Part II of the Blackberry Chronicles:
Hookers at the bar...
At least that's what I think they are.
Talking up business men in hopes of closing a deal.
Booze makes negotiating easier... Offer/counter offer... An investment of time and drinks being purchased --
...It's called networking... I call it working without a net.
I wonder if I could convince one to offer a freebie.
Come on, you know you've wondered if it's possible.
Pimpin' aint easy, but trickin' is hard...
Inching closer -- they must know when they got one on the line because lines they deliver blur lines.
Why not? It's only sex, right?
Hookers at the bar...
At least that's what I think they are.
Talking up business men in hopes of closing a deal.
Booze makes negotiating easier... Offer/counter offer... An investment of time and drinks being purchased --
...It's called networking... I call it working without a net.
I wonder if I could convince one to offer a freebie.
Come on, you know you've wondered if it's possible.
Pimpin' aint easy, but trickin' is hard...
Inching closer -- they must know when they got one on the line because lines they deliver blur lines.
Why not? It's only sex, right?
3/5/11
I am writing my first ever Blackberry edition of theYOLD. I am sitting in the hotel bar at The Four Seasons and enjoying a Jameson neat... To be honest... I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I'm still figuring this out. I guess my question is if round one of marriage didn't work -- well, what is round two suppose to be? Clearly I can't repeat the previous experience. One thing is for sure... I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Hey, like the U2 song, right? It's perplexing. I'm waiting for it to fall in my lap and hopefully I'll know when I see it... Whatever it is.
People are pretty convinced I'll meet someone. Not sure why they're so sure. How do they know? They have more confidence in me than I have in myself I guess. There are nice girls out there but that doesn't mean I should marry them.
Still figuring it out. Work in progress.
People are pretty convinced I'll meet someone. Not sure why they're so sure. How do they know? They have more confidence in me than I have in myself I guess. There are nice girls out there but that doesn't mean I should marry them.
Still figuring it out. Work in progress.
3/4/11
Where do you fit in when it comes to love? What sort of love fulfills you? Does the physical carry more weight than the emotional? Do they go hand in hand? Can you find love or does love find you? As The Monkees sang "when love comes knocking at your door.
I think it's the sort of thing that crashes into you.
Keeping it brief tonight... I've been flying all day. Night!
In honor of where I'm at!
I think it's the sort of thing that crashes into you.
Keeping it brief tonight... I've been flying all day. Night!
In honor of where I'm at!
3/3/11
This will do for today! This goes out to all the break-ups!
Death Cab For Cutie
"You Can Do Better Than Me"
Death Cab For Cutie
"You Can Do Better Than Me"
I'm starting to feel
We stay together out of fear of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts of the people I've been
And it's like my heart cant contain
I fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool
But I have to face the truth that
no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to
There's times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do
Cause you can do better than me,
But I can't do better than you.
You can do better than me,
But I can't do better than you.
3/2/11
Fuck it!
I love dis ting!
Happy to be a part of it! Check it!
It's got nothin' to do with love or relationships -- but I love this trailer and want you to have a relationship with it...
I love dis ting!
Happy to be a part of it! Check it!
It's got nothin' to do with love or relationships -- but I love this trailer and want you to have a relationship with it...
3/1/11
Well, either she decided to get back with an old boyfriend or I just didn't do it for her... whatever the case - another one bites the dust.
It's a shame too because what I thought was a promising beginning sure devolved into not so much.
But I will say this... and I don't say it as any form of judgment of the person. I hinted at it before, but now I feel I can discuss it.
Let me start by saying that I'm experiencing different kinds of interactions with members of the opposite sex and I'm leaving my mind open as far as my expectations go. So, while this one started off promising there were certain gut things I was allowing myself to ignore for the sake of trying something different. I mean, it's not like my gut on the first go round led me to success (although a 14 year marriage is a job well done).
So what was my gut telling me? It was telling me their was something missing. Yes, there was a connection happening, there was some good conversation, and a desire to spend time with one another. What was missing though was that spark you get when you first meet someone that you're into. I'm slightly afraid of that feeling because I think it's the type of feeling that can lead to irrational behavior and decision making (something I was thinking I might be too old for - but I'm not)... I was trying to be level headed and smart this time around... However, I think it's going to take a combination of both because what was lacking was the sense of urgency you feel when you really meet someone you like. And not that I didn't like this girl. I did... but I wasn't obsessed. Not that obsession is healthy either, but I think you know what I'm getting at.
There is something that should happen in the beginning stages when two people just want to be together. And want to talk. And want to make-out. And other things. I think we liked being together. And we liked talking. And we liked making out. But by "date" #4 there weren't other things - nor was there a pursuit to do "other things". This isn't a mean spirited entry nor am I angry. Yes, I'm confused as to how you go from communicating at the very least once a day to a sudden radio silence. And, I'm sorry, but when I finally received the text explaining her phone was off all weekend I just couldn't in good conscious indulge it. Even if it's the truth, my gut says otherwise and I'm going to go with my gut on this.
So bizarre. But I'm not going to make assumptions. I've been the radio cut off-er as well and when you're not feeling it, you move on. So, my guess is... she wasn't feeling it. And God bless her for knowing what she wants. Obviously the curious side of me always wants to know more, but I guess I just need to live with it. I can think of a few things, but there is no point in trying to guess.
So there is that.
What's on the horizon?... well -- you lucky readers are in for a treat. Yours truly is going on the road for work, so there is sure to be some stuff to report.
In the immortal words of Mr. Sheen -- DUH, WINNING!
It's a shame too because what I thought was a promising beginning sure devolved into not so much.
But I will say this... and I don't say it as any form of judgment of the person. I hinted at it before, but now I feel I can discuss it.
Let me start by saying that I'm experiencing different kinds of interactions with members of the opposite sex and I'm leaving my mind open as far as my expectations go. So, while this one started off promising there were certain gut things I was allowing myself to ignore for the sake of trying something different. I mean, it's not like my gut on the first go round led me to success (although a 14 year marriage is a job well done).
So what was my gut telling me? It was telling me their was something missing. Yes, there was a connection happening, there was some good conversation, and a desire to spend time with one another. What was missing though was that spark you get when you first meet someone that you're into. I'm slightly afraid of that feeling because I think it's the type of feeling that can lead to irrational behavior and decision making (something I was thinking I might be too old for - but I'm not)... I was trying to be level headed and smart this time around... However, I think it's going to take a combination of both because what was lacking was the sense of urgency you feel when you really meet someone you like. And not that I didn't like this girl. I did... but I wasn't obsessed. Not that obsession is healthy either, but I think you know what I'm getting at.
There is something that should happen in the beginning stages when two people just want to be together. And want to talk. And want to make-out. And other things. I think we liked being together. And we liked talking. And we liked making out. But by "date" #4 there weren't other things - nor was there a pursuit to do "other things". This isn't a mean spirited entry nor am I angry. Yes, I'm confused as to how you go from communicating at the very least once a day to a sudden radio silence. And, I'm sorry, but when I finally received the text explaining her phone was off all weekend I just couldn't in good conscious indulge it. Even if it's the truth, my gut says otherwise and I'm going to go with my gut on this.
So bizarre. But I'm not going to make assumptions. I've been the radio cut off-er as well and when you're not feeling it, you move on. So, my guess is... she wasn't feeling it. And God bless her for knowing what she wants. Obviously the curious side of me always wants to know more, but I guess I just need to live with it. I can think of a few things, but there is no point in trying to guess.
So there is that.
What's on the horizon?... well -- you lucky readers are in for a treat. Yours truly is going on the road for work, so there is sure to be some stuff to report.
In the immortal words of Mr. Sheen -- DUH, WINNING!
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