This isn't going to be an easy one to write. I experienced something tonight that struck a nerve. It's another one of those things that is a personal feeling. Nothing was done with intent to hurt me, it just "was" and in turn became one of "those" moments. A moment that makes one take pause and reflect on the current state of things.
What am I wrestling with? Simply, that I'm a single father. But wait, there's more.
I went to pick up my kids today - they had spent the day with their mom at her boyfriends house. No problem with it. Her boyfriends family was over, which included a lot of nieces and nephews - all around my kids ages. It's all good. They seem to all get along and have a lot of fun together.
Now, mind you, this isn't about insecurity. It's about understanding what's lacking in my life and the moments that can really highlight it. This was one of those moments.
I step into my ex-wife's boyfriend's house and was introduced to his sisters and their respective kids. What's more? They all appeared to be having a lovely evening. I believe it was a day of swimming followed by BBQ. My kids seemed very much at home, which they should. Trust me, I'd rather they be made to feel welcome than the opposite. My ex also seemed to fit right in. It was very much a family experience.
Everyone was friendly and made nice conversation. There was literally not a single ounce of negative energy as a result of their being two ex-spouses in the room - put it this way - if it were 1981 and my parents (who were divorced) it would have been the opposite.
But here is the thing. I give my kids love and I take great care of them. I cook for them, I make their lunches, I kiss and hug them, and tell them I love them. What I can't give them is what I don't have... and that's a family experience. When they are with me it's simply single dad weekend (I know technically it's a family experience, but not an emotional one). It's just me and my two partners in crime. I don't have a girlfriend with extended family that hang around therefore I lack that bigness (with exception of family holiday events, which are always a blast.
Again, I'm not mad at anyone. I'm just keying into an experience. Realizing something that is lacking in my world. My kids current experience with their mom and her boyfriend is far more the "family" style experience than they get with me. And while it may be hard for me, I am glad it's there for them. It's a good experience. I hope it's as good as the one I had with my step brother. It's important and it makes the ever changing landscape of family easier to navigate.
It's sad for me because it's not something I can just go out and get them. It's something that will (hopefully) come in time. In the meantime, I soldier on.
Don't feel bad for me. I'm fine (or at least I will be). I do understand why many people fail when it comes to divorcing amicably. I you're too close to it, you begin to take it all personally and then begin to lash out at the ex. It's so important not to take things personally because it's not about you. But that's what our parents did. They took it personally and then went ape shit.
My ex is living her life as she's suppose to - none of the decisions she's made have been with the intent to hurt my feelings. These things occurring are simply part of the human/growing experience and you have the choice to either sink or swim. Me? I've always been a swimmer.
That's all for now.
The Year Of Loving Dangerously
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