Well, one thing is for certain... someone is clearly letting shit slide when it comes to writing entries... and that someone is me.
I guess this is turning more into the five months of loving dangerously.
I'm sorry party people. I really am trying here. There is only so many hours in the day and so much energy I can muster.
I guess the truth is. I'm bored with loving dangerously. I'm bored with the same shit over and over and over.
I want someone to excite me. I want someone to distract me from this cycle I keep putting myself in. There has got to be more than just hooking up. I'm serious. It's time for me to put myself out there. It's time to try and make a go at it.
You may not hear from me for a bit. I have to write because I want to and feel like I have something to say. I promise I will. But I think if I proven to myself one thing, it's that I can put my thoughts down in a coherent and sometimes funny way. A way you all may find entertaining and even insightful.
I'm going to work now... work my life out... Wish me luck
This isn't going to be an easy one to write. I experienced something tonight that struck a nerve. It's another one of those things that is a personal feeling. Nothing was done with intent to hurt me, it just "was" and in turn became one of "those" moments. A moment that makes one take pause and reflect on the current state of things.
What am I wrestling with? Simply, that I'm a single father. But wait, there's more.
I went to pick up my kids today - they had spent the day with their mom at her boyfriends house. No problem with it. Her boyfriends family was over, which included a lot of nieces and nephews - all around my kids ages. It's all good. They seem to all get along and have a lot of fun together.
Now, mind you, this isn't about insecurity. It's about understanding what's lacking in my life and the moments that can really highlight it. This was one of those moments.
I step into my ex-wife's boyfriend's house and was introduced to his sisters and their respective kids. What's more? They all appeared to be having a lovely evening. I believe it was a day of swimming followed by BBQ. My kids seemed very much at home, which they should. Trust me, I'd rather they be made to feel welcome than the opposite. My ex also seemed to fit right in. It was very much a family experience.
Everyone was friendly and made nice conversation. There was literally not a single ounce of negative energy as a result of their being two ex-spouses in the room - put it this way - if it were 1981 and my parents (who were divorced) it would have been the opposite.
But here is the thing. I give my kids love and I take great care of them. I cook for them, I make their lunches, I kiss and hug them, and tell them I love them. What I can't give them is what I don't have... and that's a family experience. When they are with me it's simply single dad weekend (I know technically it's a family experience, but not an emotional one). It's just me and my two partners in crime. I don't have a girlfriend with extended family that hang around therefore I lack that bigness (with exception of family holiday events, which are always a blast.
Again, I'm not mad at anyone. I'm just keying into an experience. Realizing something that is lacking in my world. My kids current experience with their mom and her boyfriend is far more the "family" style experience than they get with me. And while it may be hard for me, I am glad it's there for them. It's a good experience. I hope it's as good as the one I had with my step brother. It's important and it makes the ever changing landscape of family easier to navigate.
It's sad for me because it's not something I can just go out and get them. It's something that will (hopefully) come in time. In the meantime, I soldier on.
Don't feel bad for me. I'm fine (or at least I will be). I do understand why many people fail when it comes to divorcing amicably. I you're too close to it, you begin to take it all personally and then begin to lash out at the ex. It's so important not to take things personally because it's not about you. But that's what our parents did. They took it personally and then went ape shit.
My ex is living her life as she's suppose to - none of the decisions she's made have been with the intent to hurt my feelings. These things occurring are simply part of the human/growing experience and you have the choice to either sink or swim. Me? I've always been a swimmer.
That's all for now.
This just will never end. My constant need/wanting to share with you.
Am I interesting? Am I telling you things? Am I telling you things you've only thought about but never dared say aloud? Am I making a bigger deal of all of this than it really is? Are you over it? I am. I fucking hate this thing some days. There is nothing more gratifying when you have a strong idea you want to share. You type it up and it hits the bulls eye... at least as far as I'm concerned. The flipside is staring at this fucking thing and trying to determine what your about to say will be some groundbreaking work of languishing genius.
This is one of those times where I'm not too sure where I want to go. Part of me hates sharing on this thing because as I meet women and they become my Facebook friend they soon discover my blog and then have access to my inner thoughts. You may say "well, then... don't share your fricking blog on your FB page!" The problem is as a writer I like people to read my work. I like to evoke a response. I like to share.
I'm sure a lot of women's impression of me is that of someone who is just going out and playing the field. Someone not ready to settle in (after all I was married for an awfully long time). On one hand you wouldn't be wrong. But I think there is a difference between someone who is playing the field with no intention of leaving versus someone who is playing the field with the hope of finding someone. I think both are possible. Now, it could also be possible that by simply playing the field you are laying the groundwork for not finding someone. Perhaps the message you send by putting yourself out there turns off that which you are trying to attract. I don't know.
The funny thing is there are women who I've met that do it for me... and I'm not just talking about it a sexual way. I mean, I'm stimulated by not only their looks, but what appears to be some intellect. But it moves so slow and part me feels that isn't meant to move so slow. I'm not sure. I don't think there are any ultimate rules for how this is all suppose to play out.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I simply want someone to spend time with on a semi-regular, if not regular, basis. This four dates and done is for the birds. I don't even know if I'm making sense here. What I'm trying to tell you is I really really REALLY don't want to be alone... and I don't want someone out of desperation. I want someone who wants to be with me. Who thinks I'm funny. Who relates to where I'm coming from. Who appreciates the things I appreciate. And I want them to want the same in return.
I think it's part of the reason I think I could end up with someone younger (or at least someone who isn't jaded). I'm jaded - how can I not be after having been married for so long. I think I'm looking for the impossible. I mean, how can I have a longstanding relationship with someone so much younger than me. They're idealistic about love and marriage. Something I've spoken about in the past (being young and dumb and in love). I just don't know what's possible for me. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll be out one night and will meet someone who I just click with. That would be amazing. To have that moment where the two of us just sit there and everything each of us is saying is just reaffirming that this is "meant to be". A woman who gets me and a woman I can get. And we can just "be". And we can make plans together. We can go to dinner - we can even cook dinner. We can hang out and read or simply just lay down and take a nap knowing we have nowhere else to be. That's something isn't it. Something special.
I'm thankful for many things, namely my kids. But, I want what I want. I will remain patient and hope someone comes along... for both our sakes.
I fear I've said too much and I am going to sign off. To whoever you are out there that's waiting to meet me. I promise, I'll keep trying to find you. In the meantime, don't get mad if I enjoy the company of other women while I continue my search. ;)
I hope you are all cutting me a little slack in that I'm not contributing to this thing EVERY day. I mean, I am doing my best. I think it's fairly obvious I'm putting forth the effort. I'm about four months into this thing and have been contributing almost daily. Come on, and at no cost to you theYOLD reader. That's an amazing value.
Leave it to me to endure the emotional pain and pass the savings on to you. That's how we roll here at theYOLD.
You'll start to notice as the year labors on that I will be revisiting topics. Some things I may have only touched on in the past and now that some time has passed I'm able to elaborate, be it a lot or a little.
So, what do I want to elaborate on? Well, a while ago, I spoke about how the more time passes the more used to being single I get - let me say that getting used to it doesn't mean I like it. I still long for something more stable, ongoing, etc., but the more time passes the more difficult it gets to be open to it. The more critical I become about who I will let myself get serious with... and bottom line - it's not hard to meet people, but it's fucking hard to meet the right person... and someone I am willing to invest myself in. Perhaps it's that I no longer require being serious with someone in order to get physical with them and so now it's really up to their being an emotional/human connection to be willing to take it to the next step. You can make-out, fool around, and sleep with tons of women without a commitment, and it enables you to be more picky about who you do give yourself over to, which I think is a good thing. I think when you're young and inexperienced, and you have some sex... and it's good... you allow yourself to just latch onto the person because you fear it will be difficult to find again. Of course, with age and experience (which I can now say I have had a lot of in the last year and a half) you realize there is lots of good sex out there and full on commitment is not required to experience it... but on to what I want to talk about.
I had a thought today about my daughter and then I thought about something I said a while back on here. I keep saying to friends I want my daughter to wait until she's older (in her 30s) before she gets married and settles in for the long haul. The upside? A person in their 30s is more settled in who they are and therefore less likely go through a grand metamorphosis in front of their significant other. I do think those who meet and get married older have a better chance at lasting then those (like me) who get together and marry in their early to mid 20s... BUT -- here is what I fear. There is something to be said about being young, dumb, and in love... and while many of us who got married young ended up not lasting, there was something fun and exciting about just doing it, thinking we were doing the right thing... because in some weird way - I think we were. It's why I have no regrets. I am nostalgic for that ignorance. It's very childlike. Yes we were adults, but there is that element of "playing house" together. Now for some (or few) they're able to evolve into true grown-ups and last a lifetime in holy matrimony. Others (or many) evolve and decide they've outgrown the person and it's time to move on.
As much as I'd like my daughter to be sensible and wait, I know that it's possible to be too sensible and you run the risk of never letting yourself take the leap - you also trade on the fun factor of it all. And you also can become too sensible and never allow yourself to find "Mr. or Mrs. Right". You can become a victim of yourself and suddenly find yourself 37 on OKCupid and having guys wonder why you're still single (don't worry, ladies, I know the same goes for guys). It's my one saving grace as far as being 41 and single. No one can question my ability to commit - I was married for 14 God damn years. All I know is it's really going to take the right woman to make me settle in again.
I wish my daughter everything and if that means getting married in her 20s, so be it - if it means getting married in her 30s, so be it... I just hope she isn't 40 and single -- then it gets a little tougher.
I love my daughter and am awfully proud of the young lady she is becoming. I am in awe of her every day. Look, I can say nice things about the boy too, but this posting is for my girl. The best, best, BEST thing. And it's also another reason I know getting married when I did was the right thing... because I had her and wouldn't trade anything in the world for it. If it means spending the rest of my life single, so be it... It's a worthy sacrifice to make for being able to have my daughter in my life.
Wow, I wasn't planning on this entry going where it did... I guess all I can do is end on this note.
What drives me? What am I after? Love? Sex? Some company? All the above? Pieces... bits and pieces of everything.
Life is in constant conflict ... I've spoken before about the contradictions in my life. On one hand I'm a father of two beautiful children and on the other I'm a single man chasing the party... or rather girls if I want to be technical about it.
Now, I may end up repeating a story here. I don't have time to comb through all my entries to date to see if I've already written about this experience, so... what the hay... here we go - either again or for the first time.
A big part of my life as far as things I enjoy is music. Music plays an incredibly important role in that it allows me to enhance whatever it is I'm feeling. It's one thing to feel something internally, but when you choose a song and press play on the iPod, or even better, the perfect song actually comes on the radio that goes along with what's happening inside of you, it can be euphoric. I think music is my addiction in that it causes a chemical reaction that I need. It makes me feel good... even when I'm sad - the right song to compliment the sadness is actually comforting.
So as I was saying, or have said in the past, I had an experience that was just too odd not to share. I was driving in my car a while ago with my kids and this song comes on...
Nothing wrong with it -- fun song... Party song. Now, the great thing about songs are they have the ability to take you back to a place in time and remind you of an experience. Be it the songs that were playing when my kids were born, a song from my teenage years, etc.... Neil Diamond, Duran Duran, KISS, Beastie Boys, etc etc etc -- they're my own personal time machine -- you know what I mean.
So the fun Taio Cruz song comes on and before my mind can hit 88 mph and travel back, the angelic voice of my tween daughter chimes in from the backseat. "I love this song!" I smile and agree as I turn up the volume -- the chorus commences and she sings along. So sweet...right?
My daughter sings along, I bob my head... and then - I hit 88 mph and the flux capacitor activates... I travel back to probably less then a month earlier when I heard the same song - only things were much different. I was in Toronto - I was out with two beautiful girls - I was drunker than drunk - I was in a club - I was dancing, sandwiched between said beautiful girls and making out with the blonde one... I was having the grown up time of my life (or rather I am a grown up, but I was acting like anything but).
This is the contradiction my life has become.
A song plays and I enjoy it with my daughter so innocently, and then I think about the behavior I'm displaying when they're not around. I'm not ashamed of it - it's just an odd experience. I know I've written about the double life before. But this moment really hits it home. I feel like it's an amazingly truthful but funny scene you would see in a movie. The father driving his kids to school as they all enjoy "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz. It all seems genuine and wholesome. Meanwhile, intercut are scenes of the single father's night out on the town, acting a drunken fool with girls half his age - behavior his kids would be mortified by if they had to witness it.
Not much more to do or say about it.... it's just fact. An incredibly odd, funny fact of my life.
Anyway, I think that just about covers it. We'll call it the "Dynamite Dilemma". Have a good night everybody. At last, a weekend off - no travel, no work... just some hang in town on the weekend time. I likey that... I likey that a-lot. I have a feeling there will be more a "Dynamite Dilemma" in my future.
First of all, this isn't the grand posting I'm currently working on... it's going to take some time. Sorry, just the way it is - don't want to rush it.
So, how have you been? Me? Just dandy... with the exception of that I can't seem to find what I want. Or what I want can't seem to find me... one of those.
To be honest - I'm a little bummed about a girl - not because I was in love or anything, but because I was simply enjoying the time I spent with her (and if you read this blog on the regular you know I likes me some time spending with a dame). It didn't last long enough for it to evolve into something more than some good hang time and great sex, but then again that could very well be by design. Who knows? I actually believed her when she told me that she had also been seeing someone else and they decided to be exclusive. I actually didn't have a problem with that. I mean, sure, if I had my choice I would have liked to have continued what we had, but I would never begrudge someone their pursuit of their own happiness. The heart wants what the heart wants...
I was OK with it... until a female friend of mine told me that was a commonly used excuse to get out of something - WHAT?! Could that be? Could the girl I had been enjoying time with decided she had enough and this was simply her excuse to get out of it? Now way... I'm a catch - who would do such a thing to a catch? That's sarcasm btw. I know I'm not perfect. And I know that when I find something I like, I tend to pursue it more. I guess the risk in that is you could end up pushing away that which you are pursuing.
I'll never know the real truth - be it one or the other. I also hate losing ... and no matter how you slice it in this case... I lost. All's fair in the pursuit. Plus, I've done my share of it to women, so it's only fair it happen to me as well. I can't always be the ladies choice.
I will say this though, I do hate when a woman you like doesn't reciprocate or, in this case, just opts out, but then tells you how great you are. Oh I am, am I? Well, clearly I'm not, because if I were we would still be fucking wouldn't we?
I probably deserved it - I mean, I literally had just stepped away from another girl for MY own reasons and she could very well be asking herself these same questions because of what I did. And trust me, I had my reasons... it doesn't matter though - rejection is no fun no matter who it happens to.
Look, I know life goes on - I know I'll continue to meet women. I do stand by the belief that it's a numbers game. Just keep putting it out there and experiencing it (the good and the bad) and hopefully one day you'll find it. In fact, the weird part is (and the newest thing emotionally that I'm experiencing) is that I find I can move on even in light of feeling shitty. Like, I'm bummed about this one girl, but it's not keeping me from asking another girl out. It's hard to describe, but it used to be I would pine for a girl, find she had no interest, and then continue pursuing it. Now, sure I acknowledge how I feel, but I'm genuinely able to redirect my attention to someone new. In fact, I met a cute girl last weekend, asked her out, got rejected, and I'm fine with it... on to the next. And it's only because I've proven to myself that there are plenty of women out there who will say "yes". So? If someone says "no"... well then... we move on. But remember, that "no" may not come right away. She may say "yes" at first, go out a few times, then decide "no". I know I've done it and, like I said, it's only fair that it happened to me as well.
I hope this makes sense. To the girls I rejected, I'm sorry - It's not personal. To the girls who rejected me...WTF?!!?! Just kidding. To them I say thank you for what fun we did have. I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted and I hope you find what you are looking for.
Have a great night everybody. Good night to the girl who got under my skin just a teeny bit. And remember....
I sincerely apologize for the delay, but I am working on an entry that is actually a little more intricate than "hey, I went out, got laid, now I'm depressed again, booo-hoooo"
