Well, one thing is for certain... someone is clearly letting shit slide when it comes to writing entries... and that someone is me.
I guess this is turning more into the five months of loving dangerously.
I'm sorry party people. I really am trying here. There is only so many hours in the day and so much energy I can muster.
I guess the truth is. I'm bored with loving dangerously. I'm bored with the same shit over and over and over.
I want someone to excite me. I want someone to distract me from this cycle I keep putting myself in. There has got to be more than just hooking up. I'm serious. It's time for me to put myself out there. It's time to try and make a go at it.
You may not hear from me for a bit. I have to write because I want to and feel like I have something to say. I promise I will. But I think if I proven to myself one thing, it's that I can put my thoughts down in a coherent and sometimes funny way. A way you all may find entertaining and even insightful.
I'm going to work now... work my life out... Wish me luck
This isn't going to be an easy one to write. I experienced something tonight that struck a nerve. It's another one of those things that is a personal feeling. Nothing was done with intent to hurt me, it just "was" and in turn became one of "those" moments. A moment that makes one take pause and reflect on the current state of things.
What am I wrestling with? Simply, that I'm a single father. But wait, there's more.
I went to pick up my kids today - they had spent the day with their mom at her boyfriends house. No problem with it. Her boyfriends family was over, which included a lot of nieces and nephews - all around my kids ages. It's all good. They seem to all get along and have a lot of fun together.
Now, mind you, this isn't about insecurity. It's about understanding what's lacking in my life and the moments that can really highlight it. This was one of those moments.
I step into my ex-wife's boyfriend's house and was introduced to his sisters and their respective kids. What's more? They all appeared to be having a lovely evening. I believe it was a day of swimming followed by BBQ. My kids seemed very much at home, which they should. Trust me, I'd rather they be made to feel welcome than the opposite. My ex also seemed to fit right in. It was very much a family experience.
Everyone was friendly and made nice conversation. There was literally not a single ounce of negative energy as a result of their being two ex-spouses in the room - put it this way - if it were 1981 and my parents (who were divorced) it would have been the opposite.
But here is the thing. I give my kids love and I take great care of them. I cook for them, I make their lunches, I kiss and hug them, and tell them I love them. What I can't give them is what I don't have... and that's a family experience. When they are with me it's simply single dad weekend (I know technically it's a family experience, but not an emotional one). It's just me and my two partners in crime. I don't have a girlfriend with extended family that hang around therefore I lack that bigness (with exception of family holiday events, which are always a blast.
Again, I'm not mad at anyone. I'm just keying into an experience. Realizing something that is lacking in my world. My kids current experience with their mom and her boyfriend is far more the "family" style experience than they get with me. And while it may be hard for me, I am glad it's there for them. It's a good experience. I hope it's as good as the one I had with my step brother. It's important and it makes the ever changing landscape of family easier to navigate.
It's sad for me because it's not something I can just go out and get them. It's something that will (hopefully) come in time. In the meantime, I soldier on.
Don't feel bad for me. I'm fine (or at least I will be). I do understand why many people fail when it comes to divorcing amicably. I you're too close to it, you begin to take it all personally and then begin to lash out at the ex. It's so important not to take things personally because it's not about you. But that's what our parents did. They took it personally and then went ape shit.
My ex is living her life as she's suppose to - none of the decisions she's made have been with the intent to hurt my feelings. These things occurring are simply part of the human/growing experience and you have the choice to either sink or swim. Me? I've always been a swimmer.
That's all for now.
This just will never end. My constant need/wanting to share with you.
Am I interesting? Am I telling you things? Am I telling you things you've only thought about but never dared say aloud? Am I making a bigger deal of all of this than it really is? Are you over it? I am. I fucking hate this thing some days. There is nothing more gratifying when you have a strong idea you want to share. You type it up and it hits the bulls eye... at least as far as I'm concerned. The flipside is staring at this fucking thing and trying to determine what your about to say will be some groundbreaking work of languishing genius.
This is one of those times where I'm not too sure where I want to go. Part of me hates sharing on this thing because as I meet women and they become my Facebook friend they soon discover my blog and then have access to my inner thoughts. You may say "well, then... don't share your fricking blog on your FB page!" The problem is as a writer I like people to read my work. I like to evoke a response. I like to share.
I'm sure a lot of women's impression of me is that of someone who is just going out and playing the field. Someone not ready to settle in (after all I was married for an awfully long time). On one hand you wouldn't be wrong. But I think there is a difference between someone who is playing the field with no intention of leaving versus someone who is playing the field with the hope of finding someone. I think both are possible. Now, it could also be possible that by simply playing the field you are laying the groundwork for not finding someone. Perhaps the message you send by putting yourself out there turns off that which you are trying to attract. I don't know.
The funny thing is there are women who I've met that do it for me... and I'm not just talking about it a sexual way. I mean, I'm stimulated by not only their looks, but what appears to be some intellect. But it moves so slow and part me feels that isn't meant to move so slow. I'm not sure. I don't think there are any ultimate rules for how this is all suppose to play out.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I simply want someone to spend time with on a semi-regular, if not regular, basis. This four dates and done is for the birds. I don't even know if I'm making sense here. What I'm trying to tell you is I really really REALLY don't want to be alone... and I don't want someone out of desperation. I want someone who wants to be with me. Who thinks I'm funny. Who relates to where I'm coming from. Who appreciates the things I appreciate. And I want them to want the same in return.
I think it's part of the reason I think I could end up with someone younger (or at least someone who isn't jaded). I'm jaded - how can I not be after having been married for so long. I think I'm looking for the impossible. I mean, how can I have a longstanding relationship with someone so much younger than me. They're idealistic about love and marriage. Something I've spoken about in the past (being young and dumb and in love). I just don't know what's possible for me. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll be out one night and will meet someone who I just click with. That would be amazing. To have that moment where the two of us just sit there and everything each of us is saying is just reaffirming that this is "meant to be". A woman who gets me and a woman I can get. And we can just "be". And we can make plans together. We can go to dinner - we can even cook dinner. We can hang out and read or simply just lay down and take a nap knowing we have nowhere else to be. That's something isn't it. Something special.
I'm thankful for many things, namely my kids. But, I want what I want. I will remain patient and hope someone comes along... for both our sakes.
I fear I've said too much and I am going to sign off. To whoever you are out there that's waiting to meet me. I promise, I'll keep trying to find you. In the meantime, don't get mad if I enjoy the company of other women while I continue my search. ;)
I hope you are all cutting me a little slack in that I'm not contributing to this thing EVERY day. I mean, I am doing my best. I think it's fairly obvious I'm putting forth the effort. I'm about four months into this thing and have been contributing almost daily. Come on, and at no cost to you theYOLD reader. That's an amazing value.
Leave it to me to endure the emotional pain and pass the savings on to you. That's how we roll here at theYOLD.
You'll start to notice as the year labors on that I will be revisiting topics. Some things I may have only touched on in the past and now that some time has passed I'm able to elaborate, be it a lot or a little.
So, what do I want to elaborate on? Well, a while ago, I spoke about how the more time passes the more used to being single I get - let me say that getting used to it doesn't mean I like it. I still long for something more stable, ongoing, etc., but the more time passes the more difficult it gets to be open to it. The more critical I become about who I will let myself get serious with... and bottom line - it's not hard to meet people, but it's fucking hard to meet the right person... and someone I am willing to invest myself in. Perhaps it's that I no longer require being serious with someone in order to get physical with them and so now it's really up to their being an emotional/human connection to be willing to take it to the next step. You can make-out, fool around, and sleep with tons of women without a commitment, and it enables you to be more picky about who you do give yourself over to, which I think is a good thing. I think when you're young and inexperienced, and you have some sex... and it's good... you allow yourself to just latch onto the person because you fear it will be difficult to find again. Of course, with age and experience (which I can now say I have had a lot of in the last year and a half) you realize there is lots of good sex out there and full on commitment is not required to experience it... but on to what I want to talk about.
I had a thought today about my daughter and then I thought about something I said a while back on here. I keep saying to friends I want my daughter to wait until she's older (in her 30s) before she gets married and settles in for the long haul. The upside? A person in their 30s is more settled in who they are and therefore less likely go through a grand metamorphosis in front of their significant other. I do think those who meet and get married older have a better chance at lasting then those (like me) who get together and marry in their early to mid 20s... BUT -- here is what I fear. There is something to be said about being young, dumb, and in love... and while many of us who got married young ended up not lasting, there was something fun and exciting about just doing it, thinking we were doing the right thing... because in some weird way - I think we were. It's why I have no regrets. I am nostalgic for that ignorance. It's very childlike. Yes we were adults, but there is that element of "playing house" together. Now for some (or few) they're able to evolve into true grown-ups and last a lifetime in holy matrimony. Others (or many) evolve and decide they've outgrown the person and it's time to move on.
As much as I'd like my daughter to be sensible and wait, I know that it's possible to be too sensible and you run the risk of never letting yourself take the leap - you also trade on the fun factor of it all. And you also can become too sensible and never allow yourself to find "Mr. or Mrs. Right". You can become a victim of yourself and suddenly find yourself 37 on OKCupid and having guys wonder why you're still single (don't worry, ladies, I know the same goes for guys). It's my one saving grace as far as being 41 and single. No one can question my ability to commit - I was married for 14 God damn years. All I know is it's really going to take the right woman to make me settle in again.
I wish my daughter everything and if that means getting married in her 20s, so be it - if it means getting married in her 30s, so be it... I just hope she isn't 40 and single -- then it gets a little tougher.
I love my daughter and am awfully proud of the young lady she is becoming. I am in awe of her every day. Look, I can say nice things about the boy too, but this posting is for my girl. The best, best, BEST thing. And it's also another reason I know getting married when I did was the right thing... because I had her and wouldn't trade anything in the world for it. If it means spending the rest of my life single, so be it... It's a worthy sacrifice to make for being able to have my daughter in my life.
Wow, I wasn't planning on this entry going where it did... I guess all I can do is end on this note.
What drives me? What am I after? Love? Sex? Some company? All the above? Pieces... bits and pieces of everything.
Life is in constant conflict ... I've spoken before about the contradictions in my life. On one hand I'm a father of two beautiful children and on the other I'm a single man chasing the party... or rather girls if I want to be technical about it.
Now, I may end up repeating a story here. I don't have time to comb through all my entries to date to see if I've already written about this experience, so... what the hay... here we go - either again or for the first time.
A big part of my life as far as things I enjoy is music. Music plays an incredibly important role in that it allows me to enhance whatever it is I'm feeling. It's one thing to feel something internally, but when you choose a song and press play on the iPod, or even better, the perfect song actually comes on the radio that goes along with what's happening inside of you, it can be euphoric. I think music is my addiction in that it causes a chemical reaction that I need. It makes me feel good... even when I'm sad - the right song to compliment the sadness is actually comforting.
So as I was saying, or have said in the past, I had an experience that was just too odd not to share. I was driving in my car a while ago with my kids and this song comes on...
Nothing wrong with it -- fun song... Party song. Now, the great thing about songs are they have the ability to take you back to a place in time and remind you of an experience. Be it the songs that were playing when my kids were born, a song from my teenage years, etc.... Neil Diamond, Duran Duran, KISS, Beastie Boys, etc etc etc -- they're my own personal time machine -- you know what I mean.
So the fun Taio Cruz song comes on and before my mind can hit 88 mph and travel back, the angelic voice of my tween daughter chimes in from the backseat. "I love this song!" I smile and agree as I turn up the volume -- the chorus commences and she sings along. So sweet...right?
My daughter sings along, I bob my head... and then - I hit 88 mph and the flux capacitor activates... I travel back to probably less then a month earlier when I heard the same song - only things were much different. I was in Toronto - I was out with two beautiful girls - I was drunker than drunk - I was in a club - I was dancing, sandwiched between said beautiful girls and making out with the blonde one... I was having the grown up time of my life (or rather I am a grown up, but I was acting like anything but).
This is the contradiction my life has become.
A song plays and I enjoy it with my daughter so innocently, and then I think about the behavior I'm displaying when they're not around. I'm not ashamed of it - it's just an odd experience. I know I've written about the double life before. But this moment really hits it home. I feel like it's an amazingly truthful but funny scene you would see in a movie. The father driving his kids to school as they all enjoy "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz. It all seems genuine and wholesome. Meanwhile, intercut are scenes of the single father's night out on the town, acting a drunken fool with girls half his age - behavior his kids would be mortified by if they had to witness it.
Not much more to do or say about it.... it's just fact. An incredibly odd, funny fact of my life.
Anyway, I think that just about covers it. We'll call it the "Dynamite Dilemma". Have a good night everybody. At last, a weekend off - no travel, no work... just some hang in town on the weekend time. I likey that... I likey that a-lot. I have a feeling there will be more a "Dynamite Dilemma" in my future.
First of all, this isn't the grand posting I'm currently working on... it's going to take some time. Sorry, just the way it is - don't want to rush it.
So, how have you been? Me? Just dandy... with the exception of that I can't seem to find what I want. Or what I want can't seem to find me... one of those.
To be honest - I'm a little bummed about a girl - not because I was in love or anything, but because I was simply enjoying the time I spent with her (and if you read this blog on the regular you know I likes me some time spending with a dame). It didn't last long enough for it to evolve into something more than some good hang time and great sex, but then again that could very well be by design. Who knows? I actually believed her when she told me that she had also been seeing someone else and they decided to be exclusive. I actually didn't have a problem with that. I mean, sure, if I had my choice I would have liked to have continued what we had, but I would never begrudge someone their pursuit of their own happiness. The heart wants what the heart wants...
I was OK with it... until a female friend of mine told me that was a commonly used excuse to get out of something - WHAT?! Could that be? Could the girl I had been enjoying time with decided she had enough and this was simply her excuse to get out of it? Now way... I'm a catch - who would do such a thing to a catch? That's sarcasm btw. I know I'm not perfect. And I know that when I find something I like, I tend to pursue it more. I guess the risk in that is you could end up pushing away that which you are pursuing.
I'll never know the real truth - be it one or the other. I also hate losing ... and no matter how you slice it in this case... I lost. All's fair in the pursuit. Plus, I've done my share of it to women, so it's only fair it happen to me as well. I can't always be the ladies choice.
I will say this though, I do hate when a woman you like doesn't reciprocate or, in this case, just opts out, but then tells you how great you are. Oh I am, am I? Well, clearly I'm not, because if I were we would still be fucking wouldn't we?
I probably deserved it - I mean, I literally had just stepped away from another girl for MY own reasons and she could very well be asking herself these same questions because of what I did. And trust me, I had my reasons... it doesn't matter though - rejection is no fun no matter who it happens to.
Look, I know life goes on - I know I'll continue to meet women. I do stand by the belief that it's a numbers game. Just keep putting it out there and experiencing it (the good and the bad) and hopefully one day you'll find it. In fact, the weird part is (and the newest thing emotionally that I'm experiencing) is that I find I can move on even in light of feeling shitty. Like, I'm bummed about this one girl, but it's not keeping me from asking another girl out. It's hard to describe, but it used to be I would pine for a girl, find she had no interest, and then continue pursuing it. Now, sure I acknowledge how I feel, but I'm genuinely able to redirect my attention to someone new. In fact, I met a cute girl last weekend, asked her out, got rejected, and I'm fine with it... on to the next. And it's only because I've proven to myself that there are plenty of women out there who will say "yes". So? If someone says "no"... well then... we move on. But remember, that "no" may not come right away. She may say "yes" at first, go out a few times, then decide "no". I know I've done it and, like I said, it's only fair that it happened to me as well.
I hope this makes sense. To the girls I rejected, I'm sorry - It's not personal. To the girls who rejected me...WTF?!!?! Just kidding. To them I say thank you for what fun we did have. I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted and I hope you find what you are looking for.
Have a great night everybody. Good night to the girl who got under my skin just a teeny bit. And remember....
I sincerely apologize for the delay, but I am working on an entry that is actually a little more intricate than "hey, I went out, got laid, now I'm depressed again, booo-hoooo"
I know I've spoken recently of the great ride/high I've been on. However, I've always been straight forward with you readers that I fully understood that this could not continue forever.... that dark days indeed are and always will be ahead. There are no highs without lows to compare it to... that's what makes them highs.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm in no sort of depression at this moment. Again, it's more of that "alone with everyone" sort of feeling. I wish I had a social circle that I could count on. You know, friends who call and say "hey, come over for a BBQ" or "hey, we're all meeting for drinks" or "hey, we're all having an orgy" -- OK, maybe not that last one. But, I am envious of those who have those friendships. I do have some friends that I consider good friends - they just aren't prone to those types of activities.
Unfortunately, I gave that up when I chose the life of marriage and family. The friends I use to be social with were born out of that relationship and so there just isn't the opportunity now to hang out socially with them. My job sort of feeds my social side but the social element of my job is fleeting and usually relegated to a day here, a day there, a night here, a night there. I love to have fun - I really do.
I was in NYC last week and had the chance to go out with a bunch of people I had just met and I had an amazing time just drinking, laughing, flirting, etc... it reminds of how important being social is. The other thing that makes being social difficult is being a single father with joint custody. It's great that I get to spend a lot of time with my kids, but when you're sharing custody you're relegated to a schedule and since the most quality of quality time falls on the weekends (as opposed to the weekdays after a long day at work) I am less inclined to hire a babysitter so I can go out. It's my kids time to spend with me and want to get as much in as I can. The downside is I tend to miss out on things. I have to resort to the timing being right.
I'm not quite sure what I'm getting at -- well, I kind of do. I guess hook-ups and dating aside I'm still quite a lonely man. Often wondering if there will ever be someone special (even if it's just a girlfriend). I made mention yesterday that I'm somewhat surprised that I have yet to have a real girlfriend post divorce. Maybe I haven't allowed myself to be open to it. Or I attract myself to women who are ultimately emotionally unavailable or ultimately undesirable from a relationship standpoint (and let's not forget my lesbian crush... doubtful I can pull off a Chasing Amy).
Listen YOLD readers... hopefully a lot of you out there are either married or have steady boyfriends/girlfriends because being single SUCKS... period....or maybe it doesn't.... maybe it's better to say that being lonely SUCKS... I need to make an effort to make more friends and take part in social activities. Fuck! Sounds like a lot of work... I've gotta find a friend and then inject myself into their social circle.... My problem is I don't look like a 41 year old, so I don't think I'd fit in well with people my age. My time hanging with the blondentourage was soooo much fun, but I kept finding myself having a hard time hanging with girls that were virtually half my age. They were fun as shit though.
This all sounds boring to you don't it? Don't worry - it's almost over.... I know you love it when I open up about this shit. Relatable isn't it?
Tomorrow night is Thursday -- the kids will be with their mum.... a chance for me to be social. Feel free to place your bets.
I don't know what it is. For the first time since I've started this thing, I feel like I'm at a loss for words. I'm not sure what to write, so I'm just going to free ball with a bunch of stuff in me brain.
I'm a hopeless romantic who is looking for some cinematic experience I fear I'll never get.
I don't want to settle... there is no reason to.
I've lived and experienced enough to know the warning signs that make me run the other way... and I've done it on more than one occasion.
I have been single for over a year and a half and the longest "relationship" aside from my ex-wife has been an on again/off again thing for a period of about three months. Aside from that it's been a range of one to five dates. That almost doesn't seem right.
I would think that by now I would have some sort of girlfriend on a steady basis. Weird. Maybe it's this blog. I know I start dating someone, I FB friend them, and they ultimately find this blog. But, it's not like I'm writing anything bad... perhaps a bit too revealing. I'm a pretty open and honest person.
Maybe I need to be more mysterious. I think women like that. They always like that guy they have to chase after.
I have a friend whose had this crazy relationship with this dude. Like all she does is complain about what an idiot he is. But, what does she do? She almost always gets together with him. I say almost because there have been moments where I've seen her restrain herself. But clearly there is that emotional addiction which ultimately leads her to falling off the wagon.
I have a crush on a lesbian.
I want to go to Vegas and have fun.
I'm listening to a lot of hip hop again and just want to go to a club that's bumping and chill.
I'm always intrigued to know why a woman decides I'm not for her. Like after a few dates and it seems all is good... and then suddenly... nothing. I would love to get the debrief on what happened.
I think if faced with the opportunity, I would have sex for money. I guess it just depends whose offering.
I honestly don't know where the time goes. How six days pass and I don't have a single blog entry. I'm down right a let down. And even as I write these words I find it hard to decide what I should jot down on this blog.
I still feel good about things - perhaps a bit overwhelmed... but all things be equal, my life right now sure beats a swift kick in the teeth.
I'm not sure what it is, but I'm really starting to get back into hip hop again.
That has nothing to do with YOLD except that it has to do with me, so you better give a shit.
I don't have much to say today. I've got mad work to do and I've got NYC in my sights... again. I've had some great personal/professional successes this week. It all adds up to something tasty.
Now, I'm going to go to bed before the clock strikes midnight for once!
Sorry for the delay YOLD readers. It's just been one pile of work on top of the other and I'm doing my best to fight the good fight on here.
So what is there to talk about? What great insight will I let you in on? Whose "kiss is on my list when I turn out the lights"?
None of yo biz on the third one. I told you I am not going to write about my close encounters of the current kind anymore so stop pushing me!!!
I was driving home the other day and I was just exhausted. My brain was mush. I couldn't do anymore work. SIDE NOTE: It's interesting to notice that I have enough "work" that I could literally be at the office 24/7 and still not get everything done. There seems to always be something to do. Sometimes I wish life were as simple as a 9-5 job, but it's just not possible. Oh well, back into it.
As I was saying - I was done on Friday. Couldn't do anymore. I was on my way home to get the kids and start the kids weekend, which I already decided would start with some CPK dinner since I just didn't have it in me to cook (translation: toaster over some chix nugs w/ fries and microwave something else... you get the gist!). So, there I was sitting in traffic trying to make my way back to no one, babe - with the exception for my kids. And I love them - I really do! But when I say no one, I mean no one for me. Just the thought of having someone waiting to meet me, be it at home, at a restaurant, in lingerie (obviously not with the kids around)... you get what I'm getting at - the thought of it, made me long for it. Just someone to hug, give a kiss to, and just exhale a moment with would be amazing.
I got a sense of this the other night when I was out and had just finished an event I had put together (and was a success I might add). I went for a drink and sat there smiling as I read Twitter postings and emails about what a great event it was. I was pleased and proud of the work I had accomplished. But I got a bonus. The person I was with chimed in and seemed genuinely happy for me and just echoed what I was thinking/feeling inside. It was nice to get that validation from someone other than a work associate or family member. That sort of praise use to come from my wife, but obviously that was over a year-and-a-half ago and it had been missing for a while. All I know is it felt really good to have someone witness the work I did and then give me some praise. It reminded of how important it is to get something like that.
I don't think I need to say much more than that. It's a good point.
Here is a fun little tale from the pages of Heartless history. Perfect for theYOLD.
But first, I feel like it needs some music to keep you company.
So, the year was around 1988 I think. I had recently graduated from High School (barely) and was slumming it around L.A. and going to Junior College. I had been living in the valley with this kid I went to High School with. We had a two bedroom. He was Gay... but I was clueless. I didn't really look at people in those terms. Sure, I met him in my theatre class in High School. Sure, he was somewhat flamboyant (not overly mind you). Sure, he was very much into George Michael. Sure.... you get the point. I even remember my parents saying to me "You know he's Gay, right?" Since he wasn't open about it, it wasn't my place to judge or make assumptions. Well, maybe he was open about it... just not to me. I just thought he was a funny guy. Anyway, I digress. I'm just painting the picture of the time.
Eventually, we both moved out. I remember I came down with Mono and moved into my dad's place for the summer. I would eventually get my own studio apartment in Studio City. I was enjoying being on my own (although I was completely learning as I went). Paying bills, pushing my credit cards to the max, and spending my savings. I didn't have much "game" yet with the ladies, however, I was getting into DJing college parties and that actually helped in the "hook up" department. Everyone loves a DJ at a party ;) - even this runty kid.
So now comes the story. Mind you, I don't think there is a moral to this one, rather it's kind of entertaining. Perhaps karmic in nature. So, once upon a time, in the magical land of Westwood, CA there was a place called Fun Trax. Yes, with an "X" because it was hip. It was one of those places you went to record yourself singing some of your favorite hit songs. Not only that, they had a room where you and your friends could video yourselves busting out the jamz (with a "Z" because it's hip). I remember going in there and meeting the hot blonde behind the counter (I can't remember her name now). Her job was simply to help you pick a song, set you up, and send you on your way - cassette of the experience in hand.
Immediately, I was crushing on this girl... I mean she was fawking hawt! I can't remember if she had a boyfriend or had broken up with him.... whatever. It doesn't matter. All I know is I suddenly became the character Mark "Rat" Ratner in Fast Times. Damone's speech rings in my ear: "You bought $40 worth of fucking film and you didn't even talk to her. You don't even own a camera." OK, it wasn't that bad, but I went there a lot whether it was to make tapes or just say "hey". Like I said, I was crushing hard and at that point was actually living in Westwood, so it was oh so easy to stop in. Of course, she wasn't interested, but I think that's common kind of crush to have. And just to reiterate... the girl was hawt.... like I said - FAWKING HAWT.
I remember one time my step brother and I went in and cut a hilarious version of the Def Leppard jam "Pour Some Sugar On Me" -- yes it still exists somewhere.
So, how does this story end? Oh -- here it comes. So anyway. Some years pass. I went on to lose my virginity, go away to a real college, etc. Life was happening and I moved on from the Fun Trax (with an "X") girl. Years later my phone rings... it's her. She's sounds cool on the phone and we have a brief catch up. She suggests we get together. I'm down - Fun Trax was a hawty! I go out to wherever she lives (I remember it sure wasn't close to Westwood). I get there and ring the doorbell. Her mom answers and greets me with a pleasant smile - like she's heard good things about me. Like she's glad I'm there to hang with her daughter. Then Fun Trax comes out....and...well -- the girl was now the opposite of the hot, thin blonde I met years prior. The only thing that was the same was the color of her hair. She had packed on some pounds - she was no longer Fun Trax, she was Fat Trax. I have a recollection that she may have said on the phone she had gained a little weight - I can't exactly recall. But, this wasn't a little weight. Fuck "Pour Some Sugar on Me"... this girl must have been pouring sugar all over everything!
The date itself is a little hazy - but I do remember sitting in her room watching a movie at the end of the night. I think she wanted to make-out, but I wasn't interested. I didn't fool around with her or anything. Suddenly she was interested and I wasn't. Now, don't take this as me being mean, but come on - the girl only took a liking to me AFTER she was no longer desirable to the men she was fond of. Come on... that's messed up, right?
Anyway the movie ended, I headed for the door, said goodnight, and never saw her again. I hope she ended up meeting someone and getting everything she wanted.
I hope that wasn't anti climatic. It's just a funny memory I have. One of many. I like that I can recall these things. They're fun to think about sometimes.
As great as it all was, I knew this day would come. The good news is when you're aware that a day like this is possible you are at least somewhat ready when the emotion hits you. I think it's how one gets through these tough times. A part of you inside knows that these moments come and go and so having faith in ones self helps power through.
Here is what I know about myself. I crave attention. I don't necessarily think it's in an unhealthy way. But I do love the interaction with another person be it physical or simply intellectual. I like interaction, it's why I'm good at my job.
Now I'm the first to say that life needs to be a balance so too much of anything isn't a good thing. This is a moment I need to get through... and get through it I will (in my worst Yoda voice).
I'm not going to write on and on about this because I don't think it'll make me feel better. I just need to deal with it. I am sure there are a lot of you out there who wrestle with it. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with being alone... I don't think I'm built that way. I can tolerate it, which is important... but I don't have to like it.
Time to shut my eyes and get a sensible night's sleep.
Let me start by saying that if you are in any way related to me... STOP READING. I am going to write about some steamy stuff (I think) and I really don't need parents or siblings involved. Or, if you are going to read this... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!
So, let's get into it shall we? Let me start by saying how much I love the opposite sex. Women are so freaking sexy it ridiculous. The female body is fawking hawt! I don't care if you're some blonde bombshell from the pages of Playboy, a librarian type, or even a punky hipster chick, you all RAWK! Serious, nothing turns me on more than a woman who is confident in who she is and what she wants.
More importantly, how she wants it. See? Steamy. I'm surious. There is nothing finer than a woman how knows what she needs and isn't afraid to tell you. In fact, I always welcome it. Seriously, YOLD readers, whether you're a guy or a girl, you know what you like best. There is nothing worse than when a woman decides to perform some BJ or HJ business, but then grabs hold like she's shifting gears in the classic arcade game Pole Position or latches on like a cheese grater. When that happens, guys, you gotta chime in and help out. Show or tell the lady what you need. And ladies don't be offended if you do need said help.
Same goes for the guys. Don't be afraid to ask or just encourage a woman to show what she likes. I don't know how it is for most guys, but for me, I'm not happy unless she's happy. I'm a selfless lover in that way. Of course, I like to be taken care of, but part of that comes from watching her get taken care of... I feel so groovy talking about this (like touchy/feely therapist from 1976 who smokes grass).
I don't like to stop until she gets enough. But the clock is always ticking for us guys because once we blow, we're done... the wind is let out of the sails. This is why I am a big proponent of the make-out session which then leads to other things, and other things, and finally... THAT thing. I feel my needs as a man can come last on the priority list (although simultaneously is also pretty amazing). Women can go and go and go, so you gotta make sure she's getting something out of the experience before you poop out.
I think I've gotten good at being able to tell the legit pleasure from the phoning it in kind. There is a moment I've seen a few times while in the heat of passion... a moment where I feel both myself and the woman I'm with are suddenly just dialed into what's happening. Up until then there is a lot of lip smashing, touching, exploring, etc.... but there is that ultimate sense of fumbling around and trying to determine how far we're going to take it. Then, the moment happens. When we both have given ourselves over to the sex that's occurring. There is a facial expression I've seen on a couple women... to me, that must be the face of real pleasure. It's this sort of hazed, glazed eye, focused demeanor that just says "let's do this!" And men can make the same face to. It's the face of "I'm no longer thinking about what I'm doing and I am now just doing it".
That's the moment you want. There is a rhythm that's happening and you are just fawking in it! It's awesome.
And just to put more icing on the sex cake. Ladies, if you are going to attempt the hawt sexy talk (a la porn star dialogue) you best be confident with what you're saying to us. I've heard dirty talk from girls who are just seeing if they can do it, but it's not very believable, because the girl herself doesn't even believe it... she's just trying to give you what she thinks you want. I've heard women who dirty talk and know who to sell it... and I am here to say - BRAVO!!!
So, my dear YOLD readers - go forth and bone like you mean it. I mean REALLY mean it!
Yup! Another lapse.... what do you want from me? It's not like the world has come to an end just because I haven't posted an entry in a few days. As I always say... shit's busy.
I am writing to from the city where the neon lights will inspire you.... NYC. Another one of my weekend trips for work. I'm currently sitting in my room at the London Hotel listening to some local radio (side note: something about an NYC hip hop station... they know how to tear it up). I'm convinced that someone in L.A. should broadcast an NYC radio show on the weekends. There is an energy and vibe to it that just makes you want to stay up late.
So what's tonight? It's a night for deep thought and taking stock. Thinking about the last few weeks. The amount of work I'm dealing with and the amount of romance I'm undertaking. I am a man transformed by his experiences. Looking inward at what it is I'm putting out into the world.
I do that a lot with my writing - I'll try some play on words and think I'm witty.
I almost don't know what to write anymore.
I think I should just get a good night's sleep for once. Tomorrow night will be a late one, so I need to sleep in and then get caught up on work.
God damn, women can be so damn sexy.... nuff said.
YOLD readers beware.... I've got a fever... and it ain't more cowbell.
Alls I'm saying is right now my theme song is this:
I don't know what it is right now, but I hope this feeling stays with me. It's gotta be too good to last right?
I think life should be a Loverboy song... there is a sense of wonderment, that anything is possible - like this may be our last night on earth, so let's make the most of it dollface... yes, it's very 80s - but like everything else in the 80s... its oh so grand.
Be the music or even the films of the time, there was a sense of cinematic grandeur (is that an expression?)... especially when it came to love. I know I was very idealistic. I believed as a teenager that my life could unfold like a movie and at the end of it all I would be the one who ended up with Amanda Peterson in Can't Buy Love.
I miss that innocence, but I don't miss the anxiety. The fear of acting on what I felt. As Big Pun said "I'm not a playa I just crush a lot". Of course, he was referring to sex when he said "crush" and lest we forget he was the one whose dick could not be measured with six rulers (or so he claimed). I am a notorious crusher (in the crush sense of the word - like schoolyard crush). I think women are great - especially ones whose personality have something to offer... and so the crush begins.
I love the opposite sex - they're awesome while at the same time impossible to decode. I'm enamored and perplexed -- they are an enigma wrapped in an anomaly inside a conundrum.
I'm rambling on... I'm tired - long night (long fun night)
You don't.... you embrace it and fucking run with it.
Why is it I feel like my posts have suddenly taken on a Sheen like quality? By the way, is that guy still going strong? I seem to have lost track. Last I heard he was taking the crazy on the road. Why not? It'll been pretty remarkable to see how far he can take the crazy. He's almost becoming and evangelical zealot of crazy.
Off topic, I know - sorry about that.
Sunday night and the rain is pouring down -- "a baptism" as Lloyd Dobler would say - however you won't find me at the Gas n Sip exclaiming "bitches, man!"
What is with people and 100% -- people in life for some reason think they need a guarantee (or are deserving of one). There is no guarantee. Period - exclamation point. When you by a TV you usually get some sort of a guarantee... and the guarantee is if it breaks within a certain amount of time you can get it fixed or replaced. It doesn't guarantee it won't break.
Marriage, relationships, jobs, etc. are the same thing. There is never a guarantee that they will last forever, so deal with it, do it, and know that things break... sometimes they can be fixed and sometimes they can't... and when they can't you have the option of getting a new one.
I relate this most to marriage. Today's marriage isn't your parents or grandparents marriage - today's marriages come with a lot less pressure. If you're sitting around and waiting for some guarantee it will last forever then you're going to be waiting a long time and you may just ruin the best thing you've got going. And guess what, if it turns out your marriage is not meant to last forever you get to pull the plug and try again if you so choose.
Don't get caught up --- get going --- give it a try because it's fun, especially the first go round. I can't comment on what the second one will be like because I haven't been through it yet.
Wow, what a topic to get on... this just sort of free flowed out of me. But I look at my thoughts on marriage and they're pretty in line with my thoughts on everything. At the end of the day you have to do your best and that's all you can do. Fear is the great paralyzer and if you're fearful of taking the leap because you're concerned it's not going to work out then you may never get the nerve to do it.
I'll say it again - FEAR IS THE GREAT PARALYZER - it will keep you from reaching your goals.
You should be fearful of things that are detrimental to your health and well being... otherwise what's stopping you from going for it? Having been through divorce and fearful of what it was going to be like, I am here to tell you you'll survive if it doesn't work out. I'm not saying just throw it away at the first sign of trouble. I believe strongly that both parties, if committed, need to do their best to keep it together. Just know that if it's THAT bad you can end it.
I have said it before and I will say it again. I loved being married and I would do it again. If you're the marrying kind then give it a shot if you're in the position to do so.
Alright, I'm done. I think you catch my drift. I'm going to go and daydream about women.
Something is different. Something is different in me...
I think I finally "feel" like I'm in control of my life. Where once I felt relegated to some predetermined outcome, I now feel that there are multiple outcomes depending on what I choose to do with my life.
And while every day may not be perfect - I do have a the strongest sense of self I've ever felt. In essence, I think I know what I'm doing.
Could I stand to make more money? Of course! Have I reached my goals? Not yet... but on my way. Have I found love? Nope.... but I know it's possible.
Confidence is up - self doubting is down.
I knock on wood because I know and accept there will be moments in the future that rattle the foundation... but the foundation feels stronger than it's ever been and without question I can weather any approaching storm.
What's it all mean as far as relationships and love? God if I know... but bring it. I can handle it.
I am about a month out from the 2 year anniversary of the beginning of the end of my marriage. And I finally feel like the final strings have been cut and my life is my own. Yes, I have two kids with my ex and we remain on friendly terms -- as I've said before, we are devoted parents and will always do what we feel is best for them. We respect one another. I respect her new relationship and the goals she's accomplished in the last few years. I know she would say the same about me. I'm not sure either of us could have reached these achievements in the relationship we were in. Not that it was a nightmare, but the dynamic didn't lend itself to what we both needed to be fulfilled. Of course, nothing in life is perfect, but we've accomplished something in divorce that few have.
I want to take this moment to thank all the women I've met over the last 1.5 years -
To the first girl I made out with post marriage - that was a strange experience.
To the first one I slept with. That was a lot of frickin' baggage coming at you.
To the first girl I really had feelings for (also the first girl I slept with) ... timing is a bitch (and she would attest to that) - but it let me know I could have feelings for another woman. I will always feel something special for her and I wish her all the happiness she deserves (I hope she finds it).
To the countless girls I drunkenly made out with in the clubs - sooo much fun. To the first (and last) dates - either it wasn't right for you or it wasn't right for me... regardless, it just wasn't right.
To the Blondentourage who took me out into the night and let a 40 year old know he could still have fun. You girls really took care of me during a major transition in my life. And even though I always felt too old for the group - you made it seem like not such a big deal. I look forward to the next time we can get together and toast skinny bitches!
To Toronto! And the shovel man who always awaits my arrival there. Poppin' bottles and lighting it up like it's dynamite! I can't wait to come dance with your city again.
To OKstoopid (aka OKcupid) - talk about a learning experience.... but it led me to meet my IM friend (who I have yet to actually meet)... but it's fun to think I made a friend on a dating website... even if it's only in cyberspace.
And to having my world ROCKED.... Now, I can honestly say I feel I've lived.... I don't say that as a swipe at the 18 years of being in a committed realtionship which included pretty much all of my 20s, but I think the experiences I've had in the last few years were crucial to my emotional growth.
I don't know what the future ultimately holds, but I know it's going to be something.
